This Big Hush :: The Thinking Submissive

All-Encompassing Submission?

2006-03-25T12:19:00.000-06:00

Here's an interesting link:

http://www.bcwsd.com/backroom/smack/smack027.html

Although I don't agree with all of it, I do agree with most of it. I think the author might be a little pretentious in assuming that sexual submission isn't "true submission" as well. "True submission," in the end, is whatever you think it is.

Also, my definitions of "submissive" and "slave" are a good deal different.

Anyway, it's worth a read. :)

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The submissive as victim.

2006-03-06T21:08:00.000-06:00

We've all gotten that email. You know the one... you're relaxing back in your computer chair, maybe drinking a glass of wine after a long day's work and you see it. Perhaps the bold letters in the title set you off, or maybe it sounded interesting and innocent enough that you opened it. The way you came to read it doesn't matter, all that matters is that it's open in front of you. Apparently, someone knows you and your life well enough to call you a victim. They tell you how awful your situation is, how manipulative your dominant is, why you need to leave and get out and how you're being abused.

I, for one, am not a victim. But no matter how many times you tell those people that, they still look into your face and see what they want to see. I suppose I don't really blame them; there have been plenty of things that I haven't immediately understood. The problem really is that they don't want to understand. They want to judge, and that makes open and honest communication a huge problem.

So how do we deal with them? It seems like they appear after any main stream pseudo D/s related news happens, such as the infamous Travis Frey case. There are only so many times and ways one can explain the situation without beginning to sound defensive. Honestly, I mainly ignore them. But that doesn't really solve anything either!

The point of this post is not to have all the answers; it's to spark conversation and perhaps come up with a better way to deal with the perpetual "victim" label we all have had time and time again. I know I would appreciate it because my temper tends to run pretty hot these days. Chalk it up to my Irish heritage!

Welcome back... I hope!

2006-03-04T19:16:00.000-06:00

After a long hiatus, I hope that some of you are still with us!

Without attempting to be offensive (and with the knowledge that I am agnostic and at best atheistic when I'm most honest with myself), this is the season of resurrections. Like a phoenix from the ashes, This Big Hush hopes to rise again. Welcome back to our little piece of the universe.

Unfortunately, the world in which we live in is filled with bigotry and misunderstanding. That's what I loved about This Big Hush when I came to be a part of this fantastic community back in 2004. We were a community of intelligent well-spoken people intimately involved in the lifestyle. There were academic conversations, we took on the more sticky and uncouth subjects with grace and dignity and we answered questions open and honestly without biting our tongues. We were the public relations people for submission.

There has never been a rule that submissives must be weak, at least not a spoken rule. Many people expect us to be sweet and demure, and often we are. But sweetness must also be tempered with the ability to stand up for ourselves. We're full of sugar and spice here, and that may be partly why you loved us so much.

But perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. If you've found us again, welcome back. We hope to continue to bring you the standard of excellence that I know us all capable of. If you're new here, welcome as well. Ask questions, be outspoken... we all deserve to be heard.

Hope to hear from you all soon!

Ginger figs

2004-11-26T12:21:00.000-06:00

I just love Spankboss, I learn groovy stuff over there almost weekly and he really seems to love Bethie, which makes a man ultra attractive to me, that level of devotion.
But that's all just intro blather to bring up something we just learned from SpankBoss, the glorious, the fascinating, the ginger fig! The links at his site have given us a new game to try.... the stores are open today and we have a shopping list, handy, that, too, as sushi is always on the menu here anyway!

Has anybody actually done this?? If I don't hear before we try it, I'll report back on ALL our findings. The One ponders the possibility of tasting the ginger in my mouth, which is kinky beyond imagination... ginger channeling, yeow~~!

24/7

2004-11-25T09:59:00.000-06:00

We've been together for almost 2 years and living together since summer. Daily life is a grind, the kids, the jobs, the household to run. It's not *bad*, but it IS very different from meeting up in a foreign city and working each other to near exhaustion and only stepping out for sushi or vegetarian Mexican feasts accompanied by fishbowl-sized margaritas. And Houston is a VERY kinky town, HUGE gay and lesbian population and gigantic Scene. Trust me, if you ever get to Harris county, make the trek to Leather in Exile, you will thank me later.

Here The One says, "Be careful what you say about your hometown." And it reminds me that being born just blocks off the Montrose is probably what's wrong with me... I'm really a gay man trapped inside this woman's body.

Needless to say, I was happy to have him home, but childishly angry with him for having gone and had fun without me. He was verbal about his desires, he wanted me naked, in his bed, as soon as I got home. I was prickly and touchy, non compliant and edgy and mouthy. I admitted that I wanted to say things that I knew would make him mad and goad him to hurt me. Upon reflection, I think I was needing some kind of reunion, something huge to celebrate his coming home. He urged me to say them, but I feared he would get so upset by what would come out of my mouth, that he'd stop fucking me, which is really what I wanted, no matter what kind of smack I was talking.

I don't think I've ever seen him mad, not MAD, irritated, but not angry, so even that may not be the right word. Because I didn't say what I knew would inflame him. No matter, we had amazing sex, brutal, on-his-demand-butt-sex that he accused me of wanting, and I violently denied it, he took the cues famously once I put them out there. We are truely lucky, even our missionary, vanilla, Baptist-friendly sex is awesome. This was kink-famous and not soon forgotten. I could not have mail ordered from Blowfish.com a more compatable lover.

But later, I had to throw out there, how does one let the other one know one wants to play, ROUGH? Saying, "I want it extra nasty." kind of takes away from it and makes it scripted from the very beginning, and that is NOT extra sexy. And you can't be Big Daddy Leather Bear all the time, its just not possible at our house (for God's sake, the kids are here every other week). We joked about "The Nasty Code", and how it sounded like a child with a speech impediment talking about his recent illness. But I was serious.

We didn't have any big resolution, no pacts for kink awareness training, but it's out there. This morning, I was mouthy again, with "You aren't the boss of me" being my best taunt. To which he cleverly replied, "O yes I am, I'm the boss of all the deamons inside you, my dear."

Its so very different living this way, with this man. I'm SO glad he's here, and its so good... I just don't want to lose that *thing* we had in that hotel in Asheville, the one with the wax.... the one who probably reported us to the North Carolina state police. The one where we played so hard he had to ask later, "Are you sure you aren't hurt?" and the cute chuckle he had when I shook my head and grinned, "Nope, but I'm sure you can do it harder next time."

It's Thanksgiving in America today. Holidays are something I fantasized about having with this man. Apron, pumps and pearl-wearing, picture perfect American holidays. I really don't think it's too much to want Easter Sunday to morph into Big Daddy's chamber of Hell after the dining room's empty and the kids are tucked in. We just need to figure out a way too convey what we want. And how to muffle the sound that carries through the air conditioning ducts.

Needle Play

2004-11-22T19:19:00.000-06:00

Devi suggested I post about needle play. I posted it both here and on sub rosa. The version on sub rosa includes a photo of my nipple with a few needles in it. Since TBH is more about words and ideas than images, I wasn't sure RG would welcome a graphic photo. The version with the photo is here if you are interested. The full text of the article itself is below (I have included the photo in the main body of this post. rg):

Needle Play is considered edge play, but it's generally less painful than a lot of other activities considered "mainstream" BDSM. The mechanics are fairly straighforward. Sterile needles are inserted under the skin and into the flesh underneath. I've always seen the needles inserted through fold of flesh (like you might create by pinching) or a protruding feature (like a nipple, a penis, the labia, or the scrotum). The use of sterile gloves and pre-treatment of the skin with an antiseptic is more than a good idea. The piercer should also understand the risks involved in piercing different parts of the anatomy (for example, piercing the scrotum is fine but piercing the vessels inside or the testes is a really bad thing).

But what does it feel like?

The pain is pretty sharp and abrupt, but doesn't last long. For me, the feeling of intensity outways the pain considerably. I like to describe being pierced as something like a pain orgasm. There's a sharp sensation right away which rapidly blossoms into a wave of pain that seems pretty independent of the piercing location. The pain diminishes rapidly once the needle stops moving. The piercing seems to cause an almost immediate release of endorphins. It can be a pretty rapid trip to subspace if you aren't already there.

Looking down and seeing yourself pierced is just as powerful as the sensation. Because the visual image looks much more painful than what you're feeling, there is a strong tendency to disassociate from your body a little bit. Some practioners tie suture onto the piercings and create elaborate artwork from their submissive. The visual power of it is amazing.

Normally there's very little blood while the needles are in. Some bleeding occurs when they are removed, but it isn't much of a problem. A clean piercing will tend to heal quickly. Large gauge needles produce more blood and piercings that heal more slowly. MB and I generally use 20 or 21 gauge needles. My nipples look pretty normal within a few hours of our play. They seem to be completely healed within a couple of days.

Random Stuff ... As Usual. ;)

2004-11-21T21:32:00.000-06:00

Not necessarily on topic, although posts of late jumped this to the front of my head and I thought I'd flop this up here.

I recently went to my second "play party" ... or munch ... or something. I'm not exactly up on my BDSM terminology yet, so bear with me.

Now, I think I learned more about BDSM ... or 'the lifestyle' ... in those four hours than I have after years of looking up crap on the web.

First let me say that it was a very well organized event, with experienced persons walking around to make sure that everyone was performing their public play within the rules.

I saw needle play (AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!), knife play with a different couple, flogging, caning, and other assorted things.

I also had the opportunity to watch someone EXTREMELY gifted with a bullwhip. Let me explain the bullwhip for a moment... They can be of varying sizes, lengths, and other assorted things, but the mechanics of one are nearly identical. There is a hard handle, then there is the long, tapering whip part (usually made of braided lengths of leather), and then there is the 'cracker.' The cracker is (usually) a piece of sturdy, but rather lightweight, string at the very end.

Here's a picture.

When used correctly (and sometimes incorrectly, unfortunately), the string at the end of the bullwhip makes a loud "crack!" sound ... most people agree that this sound is the cracker breaking the sound barrier. Also, the longer the bullwhip, the harder it is to control. The more length that one has to worry about, the harder it is for someone to recognize what a bullwhip is going to do.

That's fast, right? Now, it's only a piece of string, but think of the damage that can be done with something like that. Just for a minute.

Now think of letting someone you know do this to you.

Yeah, me either.

But a friend of mine asked the person to use the bullwhip on her, and he did. And she LOVED it. It was a very intense scene, but she loved every minute of it. The man who was using the bullwhip was very careful not to push her too far, and really knew what he was doing.

And as I was sitting there watching everything ... the flogging, the spanking, wrapping, other assorted things ... I was absolutely entranced. All of these things were amazing to me. But there was one reason why the whole night didn't leave me squicky; all of these people enjoyed these things. Trust me, there were sounds aplenty to let me know that.

And it's the same with me. I love, love, love, love LOOOOOOOOOVE getting caned. I have welts, bruises, and lovely pain in my tushy for a week after ... and there are times when I sit and look at the marks in the mirror and admire them. [On a side note, I mark beautifully. *strut*] I especially like it when T gives me a particularly good welt, then leans in close and pinches the crap out of it. I'll moan and mutter my 'no's and 'ow's ... while I'm pushing my ass against his hand and my pussy's getting wet.

Besides which, as has been pointed out to me more than several times with good humor, 'no' and 'ow' aren't safe words. ;)

But not everyone likes stuff that's that intense. They can read that paragraph above and think to themselves, No FUCKING way ... she's insane... And if someone asked me to explain why I like that, I couldn't really tell them. I've never really been physically abused, and I don't have a complex. I just LOVE it. And I really shouldn't have to explain it.

My point is (OMG, she has a POINT!?) everyone likes different things. Some people, a few spankings while they're getting fucked is more than enough for them. Some people, dirty talking and soft play is enough for them, and they'll never like anything stronger. And some people like to have a bullwhip used on them until their ass looks like a piece of modern art.

And THAT'S OKAY.

But to judge someone else on what his or her kinks are ... it's unfair. Just because I look at someone doing knife play and suddenly feel the need to hide behind a tree doesn't mean that it's bad or wrong ... it just means it's not for me.

And who's to say it won't be in the future? BDSM is partially about pushing limits and exploring new things. If someone had told me three months ago that I'd be getting wet while someone was telling me, "Okay, three HARD in a row..." while standing over me with a 1/2 inch rattan cane, I would have told them that they were out of their fucking mind.

The only thing in the above that I'd like to stipulate is the three (horribly repeated) words that are always supposed to be present in any BDSM scene: Safe, sane, and consensual. As long as those three principals are followed, then -anything- should be okay. The only problem with that is there can be different definitions to those words for different people. But if it's maintained within a scene, and the people involved trust and know each other well enough, then that's all that matters.

Of course, there are those who have no idea what they're doing, but that's another post.

And, of course, I'm a 'lifestyle' and BDSM baby, so I could just be talking out of my ass. ;)

Right now, I have to get to bed, or I'm not going to be worth crap in the morning. Flame away in the comments if you feel frisky. ;)

Grey zones

2004-11-20T05:45:00.000-06:00

Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. But I just couldn't. I sort of expected the reaction I got, but still, I was sorry that the discussion became one of censorhip and freedom of speech, rather than the one I was aiming for: one of sexual freedom which includes ethics and our sense of responsibility.

So here's the deal. I was surfing, encountered something which disturbed me a lot, and wrote a post about it. Pretty pissed off one, I know. SpankBoss, whom I was asking to reconsider using one of his sponsored links, replied in a post called Spanking Blog Editorial Policy Notes (November). Please go and read these posts (if you haven't already done so). I will not link to the website which is behind the sponsored ad in question. You can go to SpankingBlog, if you want to see it.

I have left that discussion now, and I won't post any more about the issue on my own blog. The tone simply gets too personal and too hostile too fast. I can't discuss this when the issue becomes what I am, instead of what they do! However, I still need the more general discussion concerning limits to sexual freedom, so I thought that this was the perfect forum. Judging by the comments resulting from the two posts above, I think some of you are already squirming in your chairs because I used the phrase "limits to sexual freedom". But this is exactly the point here. This is what I want to discuss.

As a lot of people have pointed out, BDSM should be "Safe, sane and consensual". But some folks have other needs and this is where the grey zone starts. If you like spanking or have sadistic urges, what if you can only get off on someone who does not get any pleasure from it? What if you get off on non-consensual S/M? How do you fulfill those needs? I don't know much about this particular type of sexual preference, but as far as I can see, you have only 3 choices if you want to act upon such urges:

You can agree with someone that you play "non-consent". Create a fiction in which you can maybe gain that feeling that the recipient of the spanking/sadistic actions does not want it.
You can pay your way out of it and beat someone to a bloody pulp. Their reactions will, as stated in the website I was arguing about, probably be a greater turn on, as the (often) women getting paid will express genuine pain and probably fear.
You can just do it, for real. Spank someone till they bleed. And hope not to get caught afterwards.

Please correct me if I have missed any other options here. I'm ignorant of the "non-consensual" playground. I'm merely guessing. So here it is: everybody probably agrees that number 3 is beyond any acceptance. And most of us probably agree that number 1 should be okay, as it remains consensual in reality. The problem, to me, is number 2. And it is number 2, which the discussion is about. It's a grey zone.

Personally, I absolutely detest the concept of paying (probably) poor (and non-masochistic) women to get beaten up and whipped till they bleed. Because the concept of "choice" is a tricky one. It is way too simple to say that these women chose this for themselves. Some have said that maybe it's just an advertising hype, and that the women are just "professionals". Well, maybe. I just don't like the "maybe". And knowing stuff about Russia, what is really going on might even be a lot worse than what is displayed on the website.

I have been flamed pretty badly for being a fucking prude, who is judgemental and wants to censor other people's sexual preferences. Maybe I am? But I still think these things should, at least, be discussed!

In my book, there are limits which cannot be individual. There are things that cannot be accepted. Such as snuff or child pornography. And when it comes to grey zones such as this, there are ethics which must be discussed. Or what? Should one shut up and back off? Are the things going on in the grey zone not to be questioned? Should we put it all in the "free speech and sexual freedom"- category and look the other way?

Politics and sexuality.

2004-11-06T14:53:00.000-06:00

I was going to reply as a comment, but decided to actually use my rights as a poster. :)

Personally, I believe politics and sexuality go hand in hand. There are very few genuinely anarchist states in the world, which means that (like it or not) everyone's lives are governed by some form of higher government. This means even the little things we take for granted (like getting a drink from the faucet in the kitchen) have some sort of law or legal formality attached to it.

Without politics, people would be free. I truly believe this. It's amazing that someone would complain about us moving away from the nicer things in life to lower ourselves and talk about politics. Politics run the world. A lot of people involved in BDSM don't identify mainly as heterosexual, vanilla people. Therefore, gay rights pertains directly to a lot of members of this community (myself included). Abortion rights as well, as many of our members are female.

There are very few of us who live solely in a bondage bubble. Meaning, we have real lives outside of being tied down and fucked. We're mothers, students, wives, husbands. We go to work, we go out to dinner, we protest, we read books that don't meet decency standards. We're more than just dumb slut submissives looking for the next Master to tell us what to think and how to act.

Change of Address - FLIPSIDE

2004-11-04T00:45:00.000-06:00

Tooting my own horn, so it's behind the cut... (no it isn't - it's right up here where it should be! rg)

The web address for Flipside has changed.

Now it's: http://www.flypsyde.org

Please update your links. Thank ewe. :P

(posted by Devi - editted by rg)

Gagged!

2004-10-12T11:29:00.000-05:00

Gargh. My personal blog is down for the count, and I SO feel the need to vent and bitch and whine and moan and ... well, doesn't that sound sexual? :P

Then I realized I could still post over here at the Hush! Sexwriter bliss!

To start, the man in DC never worked out ... there were some issues that couldn't be worked around, and it ended up nothing happened. I was squicky about the whole thing anyway, and I really do think it worked out for the best.

So other things happened, and I ended up pulling my profile down from the BDSM personals site. But not before I got a few e-mails from one of the people there. He sent me some stories he'd written, and asked my opinion of them. The first few e-mails were innocent enough, and definitely non-pushy, so I offered my opinions in full truth without sparing his feelings.

The e-mailings escalated, and soon they were almost daily. I learned that he already had a sub, but they still wanted to meet. Until that point, I was nearly dead set against poly relationships ... I have jealousy issues and things that just made me all squirmy about the whole thing.

So I met them both, and strangely enough I found myself thinking as I was sitting there having a genuine conversation with these two that Hey ... this might work.

Ack! ACK! Flail! Scream! RETREAT!

Me? In a poly relationship with D/s themes that involved me being submissive to both of them? Was I on CRACK!?

Well, no, but it started to be something I really wanted. Because genuinely, "Steve" and "renee" (names changed to protect the guilty) are absolutely wonderful people. Really. With none of the BDSM elements of the relationship at current, I could still drive and visit them and have a great time. They're just that cool.

Add to that the fact that Steve is very experienced in BDSM (as in years of practice and play within the community), and the fact that although she is submissive to Steve, renee has a lovely Dom streak that shows because I have the ability to be sub beyond the stretch of anyone's imagination.

Steve is great with implements, such that I don't even feel myself slipping down into subspace, and the ride up is like a wonderful elevator ride that makes my stomach flitter with lovely butterflies. My last Sir never marked me, and honestly was not as good as Steve is with managing me in subspace. Steve seems to make it something of a calculated and well-observed event, and I usually have lovely marks and bruises on my ass when he's done for at least a couple of days after. Which, by the way, I love.

[On an aside; I know most subs refer to it as 'coming down' from subspace. Since I never really learned that cliché before I started playing, I've always seen it as coming 'up' from subspace. Being put into subspace, to me, is being pulled into the nice, deep parts of myself where I don't dare to lurk on a regular basis. Thus, when I'm coming out of subspace, I'm pushing back up from my inner self. Very metaphysical, I realize, but ... hey, I'm an odd bird.]

renee is more guarded than Steve is, but in opening up to me I can tell that she's more than she'd ever let on to most people. I love seeing that part of her, and I absolutely love it when she gets a wild hair up her ass and joins Steve in his delightful Domming of me. It's like fucking bliss. Le-rawr, le-purr.

But most of all, I like the fact that I enjoy their brand of M/s D/s blah, all those other dang slashes with letters. I am SUCH an attention slut; I crave it like nothing else. I want to be watched for infractions and I want to be watched for good behavior, and both renee and Steve do this almost without fail. And I eat all of it up.

Also, Steve's brand of Dominance is very calculated, laid back, and patient. He's not pushy, loud, or obnoxious. If he stood over me and bellowed, "Lick my toes, you spineless shell of a goatwoman! NOW! I am your MASTER, bitch!" I would probably scowl, snarl, and flip him off. He expects submission, but only because he earns it. Not by being an asshole, but by being a great guy. And it's the same with renee. Well, not the guy part, but I'm sure that was obvious.

The dynamics surrounding the whole relationship continue to intrigue me and keep me on my toes. I've been seeing them both for almost three months now, and already I'm considering what it would be like moving closer to where they live. I'm happier than I have been since my last Sir committed suicide, and that's all that really matters.

I've also been reading books about BDSM, at their suggestions. Screw The Roses, Send Me the Thorns, The Loving Dominant, and right now I'm in the middle of The Story Of O. I recommend said books to the readership of this blog, although all reading material should be looked at with a slightly critical eye; not everything is okay for everyone, and The Story Of O is fiction. Still, with all the reading I've been doing lately, I feel somewhat like a sponge. It's nice.

No idea where I was going with this post, but as I said, I needed to vent and it was coming out somewhere.

As a final note, I would say that getting one's nipple pierced is neither as bad nor as painful as it may at first sound.

There's a topic. Discuss ... I'm getting all verclempt. :P

First: feed her mind

2004-09-30T02:20:00.000-05:00

I've been faced with quite a challenge, and I need your help. Morpheus, who is currently forcing his inner dom out of the closet, asked me for a links list of D/s ressources, so that his girlfriend can read and learn about the submissive role in a D/s relationship. At first, my reaction was pure envy! "Well, train the bitch and just stop if she doesn't like it!"

However, I know I'm sexually submissive, and regardless of the fact that I would adore some "training", that kind of reaction doesn't help Morpheus or his girlfriend.

In most of the relationships described in various blogs - including my own -, the process of discovery is the reverse: the (often female) submissive recognizes her needs, and tries to make the best dom possible out of her man. For Morpheus, the process is the opposite.

Naturally, I'll send him a link to this place. If nothing else, his girlfriend would see just how different and varied the submissive experience can be. The TBH Team span from wanting full DD to needing a purely sexual D/s relationship. We react differently to different stimuli, which may give her a chance to find out which type of submission she feels most responsive to.

However, there's a lot of "goes-without-saying" talk here. We are an inbred crowd. And maybe it's not all suited for absolute beginners? This brings me to the challenge I mentioned earlier. Is there any way to describe this in general terms? How does one learn to be a submissive, or rather, find out which kind of submissive you may be - if at all? Naturally trial and error is a way of finding out - but Morpheus thinks reading about it will ease her way into finding out what she wants, and probably give them some things to discuss, which aren't too close to home.

So ... do you have any ideas?

PS. I haven't included a link to his blog, as M. and his girlfriend have agreed that she should stay out of there for the time being. My money is on her finding it in a matter of seconds.It's a small community, this!

What's up?

2004-09-13T10:33:00.000-05:00

Okay... so RG went to Bangkok.

But where are the rest of you? What is going on you lives? Is submission on hold? Are you trapped in subspace somewhere? Or are we all just boringly busy with stuff that has nothing to do with sex or kinkage? God forbid!

Yen? Rose? Amazonia? M? Natsuko - are you still here? MD? Tangerine? Paul_Tex?

Post a comment and let's hear what's going on. I'm curious ;-)

Online play

2004-09-03T02:30:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all. Just wanted to draw your attention to Urbanstud's blog. He has just published a very interesting post on online play, which raises some important and complex issues. How do you combine cybering with your offline life? Do you do it in secret or does your spouse know about it? Go, read and contribute!

Raising the market value of the Dom

2004-08-30T16:04:00.000-05:00

I read an interesting (although superficial) article in a newspaper today. The headline said "Women love porn", and the article described the result of a survey. A large amount of people had been asked if they watched porn, and more than 40 % of the women responded they did - for more than an hour a week. I found that to be ... hmm ... somewhat less than I do, but that's beside the point.
The respondents were asked which type of porn they preferred watching. Among the women, vaginal intercourse came first, and MMF threesomes came in second. The latter did not appear on the men's favorite list at all (Damn!). FFM threesomes did, though (No comment).

A doctor (sexologist) commented on the survey results, saying that women often have much rougher and more "violent" type sexual fantasies than men. Quote: "women have far more fantasies which they would never live out in real life - than men do!". Unquote. His explanation for this was the fact that men come easily - and women don't. Therefore, men need softer, more prolonged fantasies (in order to sustain their arousal without coming), while women have to stimulate themselves through rougher and more extreme types of fantasies - in order to reach their orgasm.

It seemed a little odd to me, frankly. All those nice girlie-girls having fantasies of being taken roughly by a bunch of policemen (now where on earth did that come from?), while Mr. Butch masturbates to soft-lensed vanilla scenarios.

Does that ring true? I don't really know. If you look at the porn industry, it is still mainly directed at men. And I wouldn't say the majority of what is produced is soft porn.

If it is true, however, Doms may be an even rarer species than I thought. And I'm afraid that's gonna raise their market value to an unfathomable level! I just haven't go that sort of money. So I'll bet the few coins I have that this particular sexologist is wrong! Just a little wrong ... (please?)

anything

2004-08-28T03:58:00.000-05:00

Throw me against the wall. Use your thick arms and strong body to push me hard against it. Kiss me deep with a flick of your tongue. Make the pressure hurt this time. Let me know you are here. For me.

Never mind that I look uncomfortable beneath your eyes. Inside it feels like home. I need this. Suddenly be overcome with the need to punish me for what rattles in my mind while you are away. Pretend like you know what I have been doing seperate from you in another dimension in my mind and make me pay my dues. Please be harsh. I am worthy. The difficulty of being a girl with temptations arouses you enough to give me whatever I ask without humilliation. Without regard for ego nor principals. Nothing matters when we are alone in a room. You divuldge to my requests willingly.

You whisper, "Anything....."

Attachment and D/s

2004-08-27T08:49:00.000-05:00

Kamaslut at Ordered Naked has published an article about the emotional aspects of D/s. It's definitely worth a look.

Ritual from the Top & Bottom

2004-08-22T19:01:00.000-05:00

As a sub, I find ritual very powerful. Sometimes the ritual is merely something that has become a regular part of submission. Putting on my makeup and clothes are a good example of this. Sometimes it's something that taps into some deeper symbology, like when I offer my collar to MB and she fastens it around my neck. I know from correspondence with other subs that the comfort I find in ritual is not unusual.

When I originally posted this, I had been thinking about ritual only as a way to enhance the feeling of submission or domination. But Iela made a great comment about ritual's potential in the transition into the scene from "real life" and back again. I should have thought of this, as this is the way many people use the collar ritual.

But I've often wondered if Doms/Dommes felt the same way about ritual. Is ritual something you do because you know your sub likes it? Or something you do because it helps your sub get into the right heasdspace faster? Or does ritual help create/fulfill the experience for for you as a Dom/Domme?

Some part of me sees ritual as a way of deepening almost any act of submission. Another part of me sees this as annoyingly selfish. I should concentrate on what I've been asked to do, and not require the top to create a romantacized context for it.

The question remains: Is ritual something that enhances the experience for Doms/Dommes the same way it does for many subs? I really don't have an answer to this, or even much of a conjecture. I do know that I'd like to know what other people's answers are.

Note: I've revised this post recently based on a comment made by Iela.

Switch on, switch off?

2004-08-16T17:09:00.000-05:00

I usually boast that I loathe gender sterotypes. Generally, they are horribly repressive, fundamentally shallow and restrictive. I have seen so many beautiful people suffer miserably when trying to fit the gender molds carved out by their particular culture. We have some beautiful, admirable examples of that haunted/hunted tribe among the regular readers and contributors on This Big Hush.

Of course, there are differences between the sexes. Of course, some of them are biological, chemical, genetic. However, it is difficult to point out exactly when I am facing cultural and social constructs and when I am being "genderized" by double X chromosomes and intricate genetic encoding. Let me explain:

After enjoying a (well deserved!) vacation filled with sun, heat, chilled white wine and Gin/Tonics galore, I returned home and hungrily started reading all the blogs I'd been missing for almost 4 weeks. I read a post by Claire over at Cliffnotes . Like me, she has been trying to explain to her husband what submission means to her. What type of domming turns her on. That is no easy task, no matter how eager to learn her lovely man may be. So, they have decided that she should switch. As an experiment, she will turn domme, and he will turn sub. Learning by doing. Showing him the ropes ... (Okay, that wasn't really THAT funny!)

"Interesting!", I thought, "that might work! Maybe I should try that. Switch!"

And right after thinking that, I just knew that it wouldn't work. Not for me. What troubled me somewhat was the fact that I felt perfectly capable of domming a woman. I may even be able to domme a man, but that would have to be in a ... professional capacity. I love bossing people. That's my second nature. But I feel completely unable to domme a man who is going to dom me later. The thought of him on his knees, looking up at me, deep in subspace (maybe) and begging me, obeying my instructions. That turned me off. So much. I disliked those images. I disliked them because I felt it would destroy any possibility of him domming me later. Something would be broken. Someting essential. I think would feel sick.

What? Am I in fact trapped in gender stereotypes? I hope not. But I feel that in our relationship, that experiment is not the agenda. Not yet, at least. I like to boss men around nonsexually but the thought of doing it sexually turns me off. I dislike bossing women nonsexually, but I do like the thought of turning a woman into a whimpering pile of shivering lust while I bury her deep in subspace.

This may just be my sexual make-up. I may be a slave to gender stereotypes. Or it may be a neat little compensatory psychological pattern. I don't know. But I would love to hear of your experiences with switching and/or gender issues. And I will be following Claire's experiment closely.

No excuses

2004-08-11T06:31:00.000-05:00

Gosh, I've missed you all. I've not even been able to read for pleasure for about 2 weeks now, much less write. Crazy busy is the notion that best describes it.

The One and I have been playing house at the end of summer with big hopes and plans and I'm looking at a substantial promotion at work. I just had a few moments to try to catch up this morning and wanted to let you know I hadn't dropped off the face of the earth... just down into a deep hole for a while. I hope you are all wall and getting what you need. I'll be a more regular participant after school starts again, at least that 's the plan. Hugs. ama

I'm generally a good girl. ;)

2004-08-09T13:26:00.000-05:00

Well, this is definitely an interesting topic! Before P and I went any deeper than surface level into our BDSM relationship, we talked a lot about everything associated with it.

In the beginning, pain scared the hell out of me. I was terrified of it, I feared it. I wanted to be submissive but, from what I knew before studying theory, I assumed that meant I had to be into pain and that I had to want to get beaten on a fairly regular basis. This not being true, I approached P and we've had MANY discussions related to this topic.

I'm not a pain slut. I'm growing to love spankings, but that's truly the extent of things. I've come to realize lately that I have a bit of a Daddy issue (even more than I thought), so being punished for "misbehaving" would have to be handled very delicately. Then again, perhaps part of the reason I'm behaving well in the first place is to please him (instead of fear of being reprimanded).

P and I have never really gone to a punishment level with my submission. It's been said time and again that if he asks me to do something and I neglect it, or challenge it, there will be punishments. Generally, though, it will be some sort of sexual punishment - withholding of orgasm and that sort of thing.

That said, he has spanked me before. The problem there is that I'm beginning to like it, which means it's not so much a "punishment" anymore. I'm a tough nut to crack though, so I'm not sure there could be an appropriate punishment for me. *shrug* Anyway, that's my take on it.

Punishment for punishment's sake, like Devi said, is an entirely different beast. A Dom who is overly sadistic, however, won't have a sub who isn't into pain for too long or will end up with a overly masochistic submissive. Either way, everything works out in the end.

Fake Punishment?

2004-08-09T09:26:00.000-05:00

Okay, so here's my post. :P

When I was with Sir, even before I went out to visit, he made it very clear that I wouldn't need to misbehave to get flogged.

As a matter of fact, he specifically told me, "I don't want you to misbehave. I'll help you find subspace and it won't be punishment ... it'll be playing. Punishment is different, and you won't like it."

After that, I mentioned something about chewing up his socks ... but I digress.

I liked that idea. I liked the way of thinking he had. Even before I had much to do with BDSM, the thought of being a 'bad puppy' was not a thrilling one to me. My psyche is such that that's probably the worst sort of punishment that someone can inflict on me; when I'm subbed out, I thrive on making people happy.

The one time I challenged him was interesting, though. He'd told me to do something, and I just sort of looked up at him and smirked. He didn't realize for a few moments that it was a challenge, but when he did ... the physical punishment was swift, harsh, and intense. It caught me off guard, and of course it felt horrible. Nothing like "playing."

But, in a way, it also put me in my place and reminded me who was the Dom and who was the puppy. I thanked him for it afterward. Partially because he let me know that it didn't mean that I was horrible, and partially because he was paying enough attention to my actions to recognize that I was challenging him in the first place. And, for the record, I challenged him just to see if he was paying attention.

In talking to and interacting with a lot of Doms since then, I was extremely surprised at the amount of them that actually expect me to misbehave, just so they can have an excuse to flog me. Really, they don't need that. I like flogging/pain (to a certain degree), when it's done right. I've tried to explain that to them, and I've also tried to explain that I don't like misbehaving, but they don't seem to grasp that little concept.

Recently, after a bit of play with a "Dom", I was accused of being too submissive. He didn't say it in so many words, but that's the general meaning I caught from what he told me.

WTF? Is there such a thing? And if there is, is it bad? Needless to say, I didn't feel so kosher after being told that, and doubt I'll ever, EVER play with him again.

I have no idea if this makes any sense whatsoever, but there you have it. Now I'm feeling all nostalgic.

Quest for self and submission.

2004-08-03T13:17:00.001-05:00

A recent stuggle to better understand myself has led to a lot of soul searching, which spawned this article. Can submission take you on a quest for self or better help you to understand your inner workings? Is submission a static force in life or is it constantly flucuating, like so many other things?

Every few years, when the seasons begin to change from warm and balmy to cooler and blustery, I become very internal and like to burn my entire world to the ground. Generally, I come back like a phoenix from the ashes, more self-aware and driven to pursue the goals that I can validate and explain. Sometimes this requires a massive change in my thinking (such as going from pro-life to pro-choice, just an example. I'm ardently pro-choice!), and sometimes it simply cements in my mind those activities and beliefs I'm attached to.

Whatever the reason, my quest for self this year has allowed me a unique perspective on submission. This is the first year of my life I've truly been able to embrace submission to the highest degree. I'm more involved now than I ever was, and I'm not afraid to admit to myself the reasons why.

Let's begin at the beginning. A quest for self is an ongoing, static element in day to day life, though one may not actually realize it to be happening. Everything a person does in life is a pin-point exact mechanism to further his or her own personal goal(s) - whether that be to fit in, forge a new path or choose to separate from their original belief system entirely.

Selfhood is in the largest lifestyle details and the smallest: religion, desire to have (or not have) a family and children, sexuality, hairstyle... If you can dream it, it relates to personal concept of self.

From first breath, certain details are decided for you. Sexuality is innate, religion is chosen at birth, certain physical characteristics you are born with (eye color, nose shape, height potential) and others aren't truly your own for many years to come (hairstyle, etc.).

The genetic mandate of quest for self hits hard around thirteen, when you're driven to "discover yourself" and rebel against the original plan set out for you by your caretakers. It's my personal belief that quest for self never truly ends, we're constantly reinventing ourselves in a better and more fitting image of what we believe is right, moral, correct, etc.

Now, how does this quest for self relate to submission? I believe that submission is both a choice and a necessity. I would absolutely agree that there are people who live this lifestyle (albeit for a short time generally) because it looks intriguing, is trendy, etc. They have no built in need to submit. Othes, and I dare say most, submissives submit because it's in their blood, their genetic makeup. His or her very DNA is screaming out this unwritten code, sometimes earlier than he or she can even hear or understand it. You either have this code, or you don't. It's not something you can fake or force (at least not for any extended period of time). The degrees vary, but the initial feelings and driving force is the same. Need to submit, need to surrender.

The question then becomes this: if life is a constant quest for self, how then can a person fully submit to someone else knowing things may change again tomorrow? The answer to this is simple. When done correctly, submission is key to calming your quest for self. Submission, at least for me, allows time out from the daily grind. It gives me time to switch into an alternate reality, to let down my guard and to take a peek at myself from the outside. Many of my problems have been solved in subspace, as it's a clear channel directly from your conscious to your subconscious mind.

Life is all about decisions, balancing the rational decisions that inhibit the negative, self-destructive innate qualities with positive, self-actualizing qualities. It's about taking that quest for self seriously, truly understanding yourself and your need for anything (religion, submission, choices you make on a day to day basis). Submission is a wonderful gift, an almost fool-proof way to search your soul (subspace reminds me a lot of the way I feel while meditating) and discover your core elements. I thank my lucky stars every day to be submissive. Who says we're weak?

Don't leave fingerprints on my soul

2004-07-25T07:21:00.000-05:00

Does submissiveness really boil down to the intelligent mind's innocent need for discipline?

That surprised me. I'd never really thought of it that way. I'd never considered the possibility that maybe it's discipline that calls some to submit. It's an alien concept because I am submissive for exactly the opposite reason.

Intelligence is chaos. It's a supersonic nano-highway of thought collisions, and it doesn't take very long before we realize the need for some discipline. Having been raised Catholic, I'm expected to have had authoritarian parents-- the kind that kept their daughters in long-sleeved shirts and floor-length skirts and watched ominously from the door over their every interaction with the opposite sex. It wasn't like that at all. I've never had many rules or punishments (I've never even been grounded), and I've never had much guidance either. I was raised to discipline myself. It's personal responsibility, or self-governance, or self-control.

Discipline isn't something I seek. In fact, I take it as a personal insult when anyone tries to give it to me, especially if I've clearly communicated to them that this is what is off bounds. I punish myself far more harshly and hold myself up to much higher standards than anyone ever could. I am careful to reward myself when I decide (through much analysis) that I deserve it. Discipline is character-forming, and in my opinion it is too intimate a responsibility and privilege to hand to anyone else. It's my duty to myself.

What I seek, and where my submission comes from, is chaos. I've rigged so many intellectual alarms to sound off at the slightest vibration that I've forgotten what it's like to simply think, or feel, or love, or hate, or write, without suppressing myself with "should" and "should not". My submission is the child of my desire to go back to where I was, to remember what I was like before my mind learned to temper intelligence with caution.

My submissiveness isn't a need for discipline; it is the need for a deconstruction of it-- a systematized reintroduction to true chaos.

digging deeper

2004-07-24T21:07:00.000-05:00

"Only those with higher intelligence require discipline."
~ Quote from "Dark Angel" Series One.

I missed this series deeply, wanting my Jessica Alba fix on disc (both seasons) for my own selfish reasons.

When I heard the above quote spoken it made me thing of RG and what she is trying to accomplish here. The Understanding of why we are what we are. Digging a lil deeper while looking around at the others ......

It makes me feel better knowing the lean toward submissiveness might be an intelligence requirement instead of a replacement for a non-loving father. I always thought it was a daddy thing.

As children, we receive (require) our discipline from our parents. Growing up it is handed to us out of love in the hopes of steering us in the right direction. It was nothing more than a parental obligation.

As adults, what happens to the need for discipline? Our parents find themselves fighting to step away instead of intervening in our lives. Allowing us the room to grow and discover. It deprives us of a basic need we seek find fulfillment elsewhere.

Writing from the hip, I find that as adults it makes perfect sense to seek out our need in sexual situations. The need to be told what to do and feeling good about meeting the requirements of our lovers.

In another sense, personal this time, we become self disciplined to the point of hurting ourselves both menatally and physically for breaking (personal) rules and requirements we set up for ourselves. At the same time, rewarding ourselves in simplistic ways for following through on our objectives.

Does submissiveness really boil down to the intelligent mind's innocent need for discipline?

A Sigh Is Just A Sound?

2004-07-18T11:41:00.001-05:00

I think I might be ... sort of ... on the verge of ... or something ... falling in love with someone I met online. Yes, it's very ironic, given some of the posts here recently.

Thing is, I hate being in love. I hate liking someone enough to let down some of my walls. Because when I get disappointed, it's like a deep sucker punch in my gut.

I have no idea if it has anything to do with me being submissive or what, but if someone lets me down (even if it's not their fault) I feel like it was something personal, and I even -cry- about it.

Yes. Cry. Even if it's something small.

And I hate that. I think it makes me inherently weak. I hate the thought that I might be weak on the inside ... I hate letting people affect me like that. I would rather be painfully independant.

And since that's what's happened today (even though it was just a mistake), I think I'll be rebuilding some walls.

Okay, I'm rambling horribly. Hodgepodge post. Eek, right? I don't think I'll even bother to spellcheck this one.

Parent/Adult/Child

2004-07-17T10:43:00.000-05:00

Once you've been rejected by a parent, you never recover. I don't care what anybody else says, I know this in my heart. All the shrinks who want to talk you down and convince you otherwise, are probably from loving homes or experimenting on you.

My heart belonged to him until he threw it to the ground and walked away. He is the very worst kind of alcoholic and drug addict. Yes, there are scales of wretchedness and he's off the deep end. That he still lives shocks me almost daily. I've spoken to him 3 times in 16 years. He's never seen my children, they ask questions about him, which I try not to lie in addressing.

I first considered posting about his life and predelictions, but after ruminating on it for a full day, i think just my reaction to it all is what really matters. And all those hours of therapy made me sure that its all about me at this point, not him.

He rejected me. He played head games with me when he wasn't rejecting me. He refused to help support us financially. He scared me and confused me and told me CRAZY things. He took me and my brother into extreemly dangerous situations, he left us places for long periods of time while he did whatever he wanted to. He brought a series of women (and men) into our lives, people who meant nothing to him, but whom we grew close to, only to be punished for our falling in love with more nurtuting people.

So where did this leave me? My best girlfriend and I founded the "Bad Daddy Club" in college and its got many charter members. I steeled myself, did that promiscuious/ drug /punk band thing that RG mentioned, found a man I thought would keep me safe and be that daddy for me (at least he's a marginally good daddy to our kids), went into therapy (alot) and then got to where I could parent my own self. (at least when I'm strong and emotionally healthy.) Did I mention prozac? And several hospital stays? And suicide attempts? Not in that order.

I'm almost 40 god damn years old. I try to grow up every day. But I still want/need Jon to be the father to my little girl. This sounds so desperate and sad. And my childhood wasn't really, at least not on the surface, but its all that foetid caudron stuff that RG talks about that over shadows the beautiful childhood images.

I drank too much last night, but I never worry that I'm an alcoholic...i knew what i was doing and it was just what i needed, only now i need a glass of water and a pain pill. My head's splitting, but that may be what's become known as "the Bad Daddy Club" headache, one seems to develope it from all the wincing and squirrming one does when divulging one's membership the first time.

finding the One online

2004-07-11T10:43:00.000-05:00

<--! The difference between cyberspace and reality is that in cyberspace, all of the physical and visual stuff is gone and it becomes an intellectual exercise alone. -->

<--!Then you meet and there may or may not be chemistry, but that intellectual spark that started it is still there, just under all the visual and physical stuff we bring to meetings

I met the One online. I know its not classy, or traditional, or smart. But He's the One and i don't care how i had to meet him. I waited all my life for Him. We moved in circles around Texas, in time with each other, carefully missing each other. Who knows if we glanced up and saw the other, only to look away out of fear and unknowing?

The hours we spent online talking, not able to touch, not able to smell, not able to do anything "real" led us here.

Here: where we paint our bedroom, and pick up kids form camp and are as mundane as humanly possible. And have never been happier.

This is what i want for you all. No matter where you find it

. -->

Online Doms And Other Stuff

2004-07-10T01:25:00.000-05:00

First of all ... sweet bajayzus! I hope I'm doing this right, Yen. :)

Second of all ... I have just been neatly Dommed online.

I never did quite catch the 'online Domming' thing. Nor the 'Domming over the phone' thing. Both seemed like a potentially dangerous thing to do with my submissiveness. However, when you crave being submissive (to someone you trust) like a crack fiend craves the next hit, then you'll [read: I'll] take what you can get.

He's from Canada, and he's become my friend first. He hasn't been pushy at all. In fact, I sometimes think that he likes me more from my intelligence than for anything else. That, and my wonderful sense of sarcasm.

But, I was tipsy tonight (damn Kahlua is the DEVIL), and feeling extraordinarily subby, and he just sort of swung into that mode.

It was very odd to see him do that. But since I trust him quite a bit, and know he's being very careful with me (even in our completely vanilla conversations, I can tell he is), then it was shockingly easy for me to slip into sub mode and let him Dom me like that.

Very shocking.

I would be lying if I said that it didn't satisfy that little craving I have. It was more like a sort of an exchange between good friends, and I liked the vibe I got from the whole thing.

However, being Dommed online like that leaves much to be desired ... on both ends. On my end, I don't get the touch and the pain administered by someone ELSE. On his end, he really can't see how I'm reacting and probably has trouble judging how things work when he's doing them (which is why he's careful.) Plus, there's no nuzzling and cuddly hugs after, and no touch to make things better. It leaves me wanting and very puzzled sometimes.

I'm unsure if I want to do either the phone thing or the online thing again. We'll see.

In other news, I've been asked to consider going to visit another Dom friend of mine who lives up north (not Canada :) .) I've known him for about two months all told, and he's very sweet and seems to like me a lot, which is what I look for first. He's also offered to pay for the ticket.

He's insisting I have a friend of mine run his name in through security, he's insisting I have someone to call at certain times while I'm up there to let them know I'm okay, and he's insisting that we have generally established rules and a safeword. All of said insisting makes me feel better about the whole thing, but going to meet someone you've never met before is still a scary thing.

Scary, but I -still- think I want to do it.

He told me to take as much time as I wanted to think about it, which I'm going to do. I really do think he's a pretty great guy, and maybe going up there will actually help me. Who knows?

That's it for the randomness of this post. What do you guys think?

XHTML and conditional tags

2004-07-06T06:08:00.000-05:00

At the request of RG, who got the idea from Rose, I've fiddled with the template and learned enough XHTML from the Blogger help pages to figure out how to integrate that tiny little Read more! link at bottom into every post.

If you're reading this, it works! There's a problem, though... this method involves a change in the template of the blog AND (unless the Hush team is willing to learn how to use a simple tag) one in the posting template, even the older entries are affected. They all have a little link at the end, even though it's pretty useless-- this method requires a manual summary/excerpt of every post. This one is an alternative. It shows/hides the entire post, without the benefit of a summary, but it does it to all posts automatically. It uses plain old CSS (as opposed to this one's conditional CSS) and javascript. Let me know what you think. Oh, and also, let me know if you can't figure out how to work the new posting template.

Thinking Out Loud...

2004-07-05T01:13:00.000-05:00

I've had a weird past few days. Or, weeks, rather.

By putting my profile up on one of those BDSM sites, I've been talking to a lot of Doms online. And people who -think- they're Doms.

I've been told several times that I'm not a 'true sub' in the past few weeks. I've already had doubts about that myself. I must admit, though, that the people who've said this about me -- well, they wouldn't be the first sort of people that I'd invite to a picnic.

I've also met lots of lovely, wonderful people ... whom I've alienated or basically made feel like shit. ;)

I throw up major walls if people start poking past them. If they manage to get a little through them, then I call in reinforcements and sandbags.

This tends to either make people think I'm a bitch, or make people think that I'm not worth talking to. Which, in some cases and on some days, I'm not.

But ... I -need- a Dom.

That's the only thing that seems to work for me. That wonderful mindfuck, that wiggles through the cracks in my walls and and exposes me for my inner slut. The deep, hard, wondrous pain that centers me and opens me up in so many ways. Deep in subspace, willing and eager to please, wonderful place that it is. And having someone there to prop me up after I come out of it, nicely reconstructed and formed.

I really need that.

I just reject it at every turn. ;)

Maybe that's why I can associate so much with RG's stories. It's almost like she's crawled inside of my head or something. Scary.

Anyway, that's my thinking out loud today. Well, not really out loud, except for the sound of my keyboard.

Considering ecstasy

2004-07-03T23:31:00.000-05:00

"Paths to ecstasy" is an excellent topic concept.
I used to think that I'd get there by being the perfect wife and mother, living this culturally- approved life.

Now i'm not so sure i'll ever reach that place we've been told about because i'm pretty sure that myth is not applicable to my life. ( I hate all that PC jive where we then say, but it might happen for others. But it *might*.) I'm living ecstasy now. I'm not waiting for nirvana or enlightenment any more.

I don't know if there's a heaven per se. I'm curious tho. But I do know i reach heaven nearly every time He puts his big strong hands into my back and pushes into me. Maybe He's pushing me into heaven with each thrust.

I never thought i'd EVER EVER EVER be this happy. Ecstasy is the byproduct of what we are doing; what we are for each other.

I realized several years ago that this man and i had something that could NEVER be wrong, no matter how "sinful" it appeared, no matter how many people were offended by us. We both left a wake of people in our rush to each other. A husband, a boyfriend (long story, i'm a predator, sorry) girlfriends, whole lives in separate towns. We were told the wreckage was so wrong, and we didn't mean to, but couldn't help it.

Nothing in my life prepared me for crashing into this other half of my sky. Nothing i ever did or read or hoped for could have prepared me.

so what is curious to me is... what makes you all so very happy, what is your ectasy trip? sexually is fine, but if sushi does it for you, or sewing Renaissance era costumes is your bag, that's what i want to know about too.

Making myself clear(er)

2004-07-03T14:19:00.000-05:00

Damn, that's one fast response, RG :-)
I had a feeling I had forgotten something in my post, and you nailed it immediately. You're sharp as a razor, girl!

I guess my point is ... semiotic? What I mean is that the traditional concepts of sin and forgiveness doesn't strike any conscious chords within me. They have no meaning to me. Neither does the entire Christian structure of sin, redemption, forgiveness, absolution, etc., etc. It is a system which makes perfect sense if you have faith. That I have been brought up in a society in which morality and social restrictions to a large degree stems from a Christian tradition doesn't change that fact. That is - to me - merely historical residue. As a Dane, I also suffer from vague subconscious images of Viking strength - which doesn't mean that that I dive into a mythic Nordic mindframe every time I have to understand why I'm such an arrogant bitch.

The discourse within which I live effects me on so many levels. So, naturally, some of the inhibitions which I long to conquer stems from ideas developed through thousands of years, the majority of which were soaked in religious Mumbo Jumbo. The system in which these limits or inhibitions were generated and within which they made/make sense is not mine. And in society as a whole, that system has been transformed, it has morphed from religious beliefs based on faith and devotion into the basic moral fabric of Western life.

My inhibitions (or whatever they should be named) could, if seen through a purely religious perspective, be regarded as an awareness of sin. That perspective isn't mine, though. I feel these inhibitions as the result of a moral matrix imposed on me through life and nurture. I am oblivious and indifferent as to where they came from. Well, it is interesting from an academic perspective, but so far, there's no key to my sexual mind buried in religious texts. And I've read a few!

The Christian doctrine does not offer me relief. It holds no path to ecstacy. I do not regard my inhibitions as awareness (however subliminal) of sin, so forgiveness holds no attraction for me. My inhibitions aren't connected to a Master, a God, an "IT". They are my own, buried deep within me, and I'm sure Lord Jesus would prefer them in place. The path I'm trying to clear with the help of a Dom doesn't lead to a type of salvation accepted by any Christian doctrine that I know of.

If the obstacles in my path to ecstacy stems from Christianity (and God), what a Dom can do is not forgive me for my sins, but become an exhorcist freeing me from the historical residue of a religion I have never believed in.

The ecstatic mind

2004-07-02T04:21:00.000-05:00

To me, a Dom is The Keyholder. He can allow me access, he holds the map and knows my path. And he can deny me that very same access. That is his power. He can manipulate me till I whimpering admit to being a slut and a filthy whore, crying from gratitude that he brought me there, liberated from inhibition and social conditioning.

This is going to be tongue in cheek, but here we go:

I believe, basically, that religion is created by human beings. Catholicism, Paganism, Zen, Spiritism, Christianity in all its variations, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism and other vast pantheons. I get completely awed by the capacity of the human mind to create such enormous, complex metaphors of the human experience. I do not have "faith" in any of these as a direct bearer of a Truth that is not - in its essence - created by the imaginative power of the human mind. I do, however, have faith in the fact that the human potential is virtually limitless. Maybe the fulfillment gained from religion comes from the usefullness of its metaphors. It's ability to create extraordinarily strong frames of mind, through which life can be granted its meaning.

When I read all these posts on religion, I came to think of our discussion on 24/7 D/s and non-sexual submission. I think this discussion, as well as the one on sex and religion, addresses our varied and subjective paths to ecstacy. Fetishism, religious experiences, sprituality, Domestic Discipline, pain ... all can be individual and quite complex paths to that special, ecstatic mind/body space we all crave so much. And I have learned a lot about my own path from these discussions!

My experience of submission differs from some described here by the specifics of my path and by the "nature" of my ecstacy. It is located in a slightly different mental space, I think. As I have said before (can't remember if it was here or on my own blog), I am not cut out for 24/7 DD relations. And I think the discussion of religion has made it clearer to me why I am not.

A Dom does not govern me and I do not serve him. He does something, which to me is even more precious. He has the power to overrule every obstacle I (with my social/cultural conditioning) find on my path to ecstatcy. In sexual submission, I am not absolved from sin, I am liberated and pushed into The Forbidden, the dripping, roaring darkness of sexual ecstacy. I am dommed into going there without guilt. Into those parts of me which I either do not allow myself to access, or which I am unable to access by myself. And I am coerced, manipulated and forced to accept and love that "elsewhere".

To me, a Dom is The Keyholder. He can allow me access, he holds the map and knows my path. And he can deny me that very same access. That is his power. He can manipulate me till I whimpering admit to being a slut and a filthy whore, crying from gratitude that he brought me there, liberated from inhibition and social conditioning.

I cannot live within a relationship, where sin consists of not obeying rules which sounds too much like the rules of religions or fathers. Religions and fathers are the creators of obstacles on my path to ecstacy. My only sin is stopping at such an obstacle. And for that I do not want forgiveness.

A Dom is not a Father. A Dom is a killer of all Fathers. He overrules any father installed in my head, any motherly advice ever given to me. In his hands I am not freed from sin, I am liberated from any notion of "sin" whatsoever. That is his power. I am not begging for forgiveness. I am begging for allowance and the removal of obstacles on my path. He removes my responsibility for going there.

It may be a matter of semiotics only? A matter of concepts not making sense to me, not resonating within me. "Sin" is not an obstacle to me. "Forgiveness" only means that I have granted a Dom the power to define what is to be forgiven. I don't think I can do that. I think I might as well join a sect if I were to give up that type of defining power. "Guilt" isn't truly an obstacle either. If it was, I would be able to overcome that by myself. My obstacles are deeply rooted psychological inhibitions towards complete surrender to lust and ecstacy. To my Darkness. I cannot beat those alone. I need pressure, manipulation, coercion and a Dom who gets more and more aroused for every obstacle he makes me conquer.

Oh, Damn! This is so complex. I hope it makes some kind of sense anyhow. If not, please forgive me...

;-)

flying hi on 3 Cosmos and drunk on God

2004-07-01T23:47:00.001-05:00

I confess that i have sinned against you in thought, word and deed
in what i have done and left un done
i have not loved you with my whole heart
and have not loved my neighbor as myself
I am truely sorry and humbly repent
for the sake of your son Jesus
have mercy on us and forgive us
that we may delight in your will and walk in your ways
to the glory of your name
for ever and ever amen

I wish id written that
not just now, but like in the BOOK

An "alternative" take on faith and sex.

2004-07-01T14:26:00.000-05:00

First of all, let me say I'm flattered to be asked to post here. I'm M. If you want to know more about me, just ask. That said...

I'm blown away by the posts on sex and religion thus far. It's intriguing to me to see the various ways that faith inserts itself (no pun intended) into our sex lives. The way it can wrap itself around every facet of human existence continues to shock and amaze me.

When I was twelve, I was asked to leave the Apostolic church I had been going to since birth. Always the sensitive and caring child (and being a Libran), I easily picked up on inequality in any guise and felt the need all the way down to my bones to fight for the underdog. For those of you who know nothing about the apostolic faith, it's a small community unto itself that is based in pretty extreme Christianity. Very much like being Amish with electricity. I was bothered the most by the complete lack of gender equality. Women had to sit on opposite sides of the pews, cook and clean for the men, eat last, etc.

Finally, when I was twelve, I had enough. I approached the preacher and let him have it. And I never looked back.

My mother, thank goodness, allowed me to pick my own path. Her only disclaimer was that I believe in something. A life without belief, she always said, was a life not worth living. I landed in Paganism and have been a practicing Witch ever since.

Being Pagan has allowed me to circumvent the majority of religious/sexual hang-ups I may have had, should I have come to adulthood in that church. I have no qualms about expressing myself, both sexually and otherwise. Paganism is all about love, pleasure, the pursuit of happiness and individuality. I answer to no one but myself, I live for no one other than myself.

I've found that, however, a large percentage of the Pagan population is heavily into BDSM. I believe that, because we're allowed to be so free, we're also allowing ourselves the freedom to choose to be enslaved. In looking back, I've taken the parts of my religious upbringing that disturbed me the most and taken them into myself. I've changed them, made them my own and gained a larger control over a part of my life that was out of control.

On a related note, I've heard a few stories from submissives who were scared by their first foray into subspace. Since I've been practicing meditation and Yoga for the better part of 10 years now, I found that sinking into subspace was much like slipping into a warm bath (to steal a line from P.). It was comfortable, warm and delicious. I relished feeling out of control and, yet, knew at any moment I could bring myself out of the submissive trance I was in and back into "reality."

Hopefully that gives you some view of sex and religion from an alternative point of view. I'm already looked at as a member of a bastard child religion (although I consider it more of a spirituality), why not go even further out there and admit I like to be tied up and raped? ;)

That Whole 'Faith' Thing...

2004-07-01T10:46:00.000-05:00

Religion has always been a more difficult subject for me to discuss than sex. That shouldn't be a shocker.

I was raised in a non-practicing Catholic household, and taught when I was younger that I had the unique choice of deciding whether it was for me or not.

My father once told me the story of how he had joined a Seminary, planning on becoming a man of religion. But he failed the "Bible" course. Yes, that's right, he failed the "Bible" course. He said the instructor told him he questioned too much.

My mother's side of the family was very much like my own in that they were lenient and open about a person making his or her own choices. My father's side of the family, however, was fairly staunch Catholics who attended every Sunday. If you did not go to church and worship Him, then you were going to Hell.

I can remember in my early teens being forced to go to church with my Grandmother from my father's side. I remember hating every moment. They stood up, they sang. They sat down, they sang. They stood up, they prayed. They sat down, they prayed. It was like a scripted little mass-acting school, and I'd not even been given the first draft. It was one of the only times I can actually remember being fully horrified and feeling terrible about my lack of knowledge in that area.

Still, I considered myself Catholic for quite a while, until I was in my very early twenties. It was The Thing To Do. One of the only reasons I stayed that way was for acceptance by my friends. I saw a lot of hypocritical Christians; sinners in my eyes who did bad things all week and went to church on Sunday to be absolved of all of them. It bothered me more than I ever let on, and I absolutely hated it.

When I was married, my mother-in-law introduced me to a book on Wicca. She was dabbling and dipping into it herself. The whole concept behind the religion intrigued me so much that I went to the local library and read nearly all the books they had on the subject. When I was done with all of those books, I went out and bought some more for myself.

Of course, that made my -very- Baptist and controlling then-husband extremely angry with me. Just before we separated, he nearly dragged me to church to get saved. I left him before that could happen, though.

Wicca has been in my life since that time -- nearly four years. I am still learning about it, trying to figure out my feelings. I like the way it feels right in my gut, though, and I like the way it eases my mind at times. I've always believed Nature has had a lot more to do with the flow of things than most people. I've always thought that there is a little bit of magic in everyday things and inside of people.

I imagine if you're still with me, you're considering me some sort of flake. That's okay. ;)

Which brings me, finally (and probably thankfully), to the thought of religion directly relating to M/s.

I see Wicca as an extremely personal religion, and the connection between all living things as strong. What better way to share such a connection than the trust and devotion required in giving your will to someone else?

Sex is more of a celebrated and magical thing to me than anything else. The energies shared between two people during even the act is amazing. When Sir was flogging me, the exchange then was doubly strong ... extremely powerful and it left me in total awe. I didn't link the two as much then as I do now, but it was still something amazing and lovely.

My views on all religions are still shaky. Especially after Sir died. I can appreciate and admire those who have a solid ground of faith to stand on, though. And I can see where someone's faith can take a deep root in the connection between Master and sub.

There. I'm never writing another babbling, scary post on religion again.

And, as a side note, I hesitated in posting this at all. But I decided to in the end. I'm not sure if that's a good thing for the readers of this blog, or a bad thing. :)

why Catholics make the best submissives

2004-07-01T06:38:00.000-05:00

"Lord, Jesus Christ, I approach your banquet table in fear and trembling... I am defiled by many sins in body and soul... I seek your protection, I look for your healing. I cannot bear your judgment, but I trust in your salvation. Lord, I show my wounds to you and uncover my shame before you... May [your body and blood] incite me to do the works pleasing to you and profitable to my health in body and soul."

God is the Cosmic Dom who lays down rules. We obey God because we need him. We are born naturally sorrowful, and it is only by his word and his grace that we find personal fulfillment. He is infallible. It is only in his perfection that we can trust. He knows what is good for us. We obey because it is only right. God knows us intimately and loves us unconditionally; he protects us because we are his and he takes care of those that are his. The least we can do is serve him in return. However, we are never FORCED to obey him-- we obey because we love him, and love is service. We have all the free will in the world to tell him to fuck off, but we don't because in our devotion, we believe he is worth this all. He who forces us the least has the most claim on us.

This has always sounded an awful lot like D/s to me. Both stories tell of a much-awaited escape from earthly pleasures and into a place of sheer bliss. They both involve a sinner/submissive and a forgiver/Dominant, who aside from having created us also guides us PERFECTLY so that we might find ourselves. This god works in mysterious ways, often causing us pain and sorrow precisely to be free of both. ("You ask us to express our thanks by self-denial. We are to master our sinfulness and conquer our pride." "You give us strength to purify our hearts, to control our desires, and so to serve you in freedom.") We are made comfortable by being drawn a box and being promised that as long as we fall within that box, we are completely and utterly free. We are taught to question (three ways by which we can know god: light of reason, light of faith, and divine revelation), but to also accept that reason is limited and faith takes over where it ends. In the end, we believe because it is who we are. We cannot fight against our nature.

Neither D/s nor Catholicism ever tries to hide the fact that it is a two-way relationship. The Dom/God gives: he grapples with much of real life and sin so that we do not have to, and provides safety and protection. He takes care of us and helps us to do what is good for us. In return, we, the submissives/believers, give him our whole hearts, minds, souls, and bodies to do with as he wishes. We give him loving service, total submission, and an unbelievably unshakable loyalty.

running for work/ thinking of you

2004-07-01T06:24:00.000-05:00

I wanted to say that this relationship I have with The One (the One i serve, not the One Big Scary-Guy God that seems to pervade human existence) is very religious. And I feel quite fortunate to have had what i feel are many religious experiences in my life.
My mother is very spiritual and had been a student of Zen for years and years before i was even born, so i was always around that calm, secure persence of one who knows she's not alone. Even when she's physically very alone. I went to a very wonderful Catholic school, after a wonderful Montasorri experience, and then began a very amazing trip with psychedelics, guided by grounded individuals who were using mind drugs to expand their minds, not just to get high and weird.
I spent years in the Episcopal (Anglican) church trying to be the "straight guy" for my husband and kids and had a confrontation with the Universe every time i let go of the notions that it was all a jive put on and let God--whatever-- into my head.
So that said, i've not been separated from God for long, and this isn't a substiution for IT in my life... but its definately part of IT. This other person who does EXACTLY what i NEED, right when i need it the most....instinctively, gladly, willingly, I hesitate to say its a "Gift from God" because that's separating it from IT and it can't be separated, its whole and perfect.
I just know that we ALL have the same experiences, humanity is too bound up, we are too close for us to be separated and to expect that we'd all be different. I mean, I know we ARE different, different colors, different shapes and wants and experiences, but that core bit of us, that part that belongs to God, IT, the Universe, that part that goes back to IT when we die, and came from IT in the beginning, that part of us is all the same. I have grief, you have grief, I have elation and happiness, you have it, even stimulated by different things, we are all the same, and that's a head trip all by itself.

There's so much more, but it will have to wait, and that's very frustrating to me.
xox

Intro (Side A)

2004-06-28T11:02:00.000-05:00

Hello. I'm Maculate Deviant (or MD or Devi, depending on who you talk to). And RG has been nice enough to let me post over here with all of the other subbies. ;)

Sure, I have enough room on my own blog to put up plenty of posts. So why over here? Because I want to keep my submissive blathering away from my p0rn, and because this blog seems to get more discussion than anything I've ever posted over on my own blog.

So. Here I am.

I've only been in one true M/s relationship. But it was lovely, and it made me feel whole for the first time in my life. I can't ever remember that feeling from any other relationship I've had. Sir was the one who let me know I was sub, and showed me how it could help me in my own life. And he did it with caring and intelligence ... and lots of nice blows with the flogger. ;)

To make a very long story short, Sir committed suicide in May. The whole experience has left me lonely, doubting, and guilty at times. And quite empty.

I've been talking to a lot of Doms lately (and a few submissives), trying to find out if I really am a sub. Most of them have no doubt that I'm sub. I think I'll have doubts until I find another Dom and see if I like it.

But finding a Dom is proving to be daunting. Everyone has a different opinion of what M/s should be, and finding someone with the same opinion is pretty hard. I'm finding that a lot of 'Doms' seem to think a sub should automatically lick their feet at the first meeting. How they've come to that conclusion is beyond me, but they have. And I'm just not wired that way.

This post is all over the place. Hope it made sense. 'Hi' to all of you other lovely folks out there!

what makes a Catholic

2004-06-25T22:51:00.000-05:00

A romantic relationship, while still complicated, comes complete with a universal vocabulary: love. In love. Infatuation. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Couple. Exclusivity. There are certain behaviors that emerge as part of the package, and certain expectations understandably come into play. The demise of a romantic relationship isn't pretty, but dealing with it is much simpler.

D/s adds another dimension to a relationship. How do you call it 'love'? I loved her, but it wasn't a romantic love. It was devotion. It was a certain earned respect I gave her willingly in the knowledge that she would take care of me. And she did, for a while. I belonged to her without being owned completely, admired her without having to know all that she was. No pressure, no expectations. Just safety. She wasn't perfect, but she was pretty damn close. Closer still than anyone I've ever met.

Just like a mortal, she fell. She made a mistake I'm not sure I can see past. There are certain things a dominant shouldn't ever do. Though I expected it, it was a betrayal I wasn't ready for. Not from her.

And now, I am left very much lost. When you've belonged - when you've been defended and protected and cherished the way I was, it's hard to even briefly consider the thought of being anything but. It's next to impossible to understand the way I was before... painfully free. The loyalty that's been bred into me works against me these days: my body refuses to respond to anyone but her. It even dares to disobey me.

Yes, I know it won't last forever. I'm aware I'll get over this, and move on, and eventually reestablish as MINE those parts of me that belonged to her. Right now, though... right now I don't know how to handle the need. Right now, it hurts.

Do me a favor. Next time, remind me to save emotional submission only for gods.

Non-Sexual Submission

2004-06-17T14:25:00.000-05:00

I can really only understand this through the lens of my limited personal experience, which amounted to half a dozen sessions over the course of a couple of months. It was absolutely not in the context of a 24/7 D/S relationship. Like many others here, I don't think I could tolerate that.

(Something just occurred to me. As a community for the "The Thinking Submissive" we may be selecting away from submissives who would enjoy this. Not that they don't think, but that they aren't the sort that would choose the word "thinking" FIRST. I'm a feeling and emoting submissive too, but I would describe myself as a thinking submissive before using those words.)

She called it "slave training", which means many different things to many different people. It was something I asked for not really knowing what it was. She had spoken about it before and it was clear that it was pretty close to the heart of her personal kink. Her enthusiasm for it made me want to try it just to please her.

She was very skilled in pavlovian and operant conditioning. She had already used these skills to train me, unasked, into a fetish for golden showers.

The training was tedious. She picked a difficult task and watched over me like a hawk while I did it. One day she had me re-arrange her dungeon. And then arrange it all back. If I made a mistake I got punished. The mistake might be not following instructions properly. But it might be for something she never specifically told me (walking too loudly). There was never any variation in the punishment. She scolded me and hit the soles of my feet with a cane. I'm sure she picked it because she knew I genuinely hated it. The reward was even simpler. She just praised me nicely and used my name (which she never used otherwise once she started the training).

It was oddly satisfying to go home after a session in which I had done well, which was usually. I think, but am not sure, that she made a point of ending the sessions on a note of accomplishment. The weirdest thing is that I ended up jonesing (hey, it was New York so I can use that word) for the reward really badly between sessions.

Our sessions ended when she moved away. I don't think I would have continued much longer anyway. It was interesting, but I wasn't really enjoying it. Also, it didn't feel at all like I was surrendering to her, which I need to feel.

Does anybody else have an experience with this?

Novels for our submissive selves

2004-06-15T17:13:00.000-05:00

What novels appeal to your submissive side? I'm most interested in hearing about books in which the BDSM is overt rather than sublimated. Do you re-read these books? Do they take you someplace different than submitting in real life?

Don't be shy about listing your guilty pleasures. If you like it despite the fact that it's awful, then some aspect of it must be very appealing.

Since it's my idea, I'll go first: I'm fond of Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel Novels. Kushiel's Dart is the first book in the trilogy. I like the heroine. She's submissive, narcissistic, a born masochist, and incredibly strong.

I'll mention a few more later if they don't show up on somebody else's list.

Where do you draw your line?

2004-06-14T20:40:00.000-05:00

I've mentioned before that I get really annoyed with online chat that includes the statement that "I love everything" or "You can do anything to me". I'm certain that everybody DOESN'T love everything that I could come up with, in fact, part of me wants to deliberatly horrify those people who suggest that they'd blindly follow me along which ever perverted path I would choose.

But I've also realized in the past few days that i'm not sure where my limits would be with Jon, aka, The One. He's never pushed me that far.

I think, I'm not much of a kisser (its always kind of grossed me out, actually) and then i find myself sucking on his lips and tongue like i'm starving. I think, he's too big and too strong for me to want his weight on me, his hands around my throat, then i beg him to mount me and hold me tightly. And His hand closing around my throat makes me cum. His bites make me shudder with orgasm. His body pushing me into the mattress makes me feel loved and protected in a way i never felt before.

I've never been one for public display, but i gladly wear his collar when we get away from this little Baptist/Republican town, i revel in his attaching my ankle cuffs around the table leg at a swank sushi retaurant AND LEAVNG ME THERE WHILE HE WASHES HIS HANDS. When He unfastened me at meal's end and praised me as His "Good pet", i felt reborn. I want to hold His hand, but i want more for Him to grasp my wrist and lead me where He wants me. I want to be lead by Him.

So here i am with all this conflicted information, what i want, what i like, what i *thought* i wanted. What i REALLY want. I used to be pretty sure i knew what i would and wouldn't do, now i'm not so sure. And i'm not sure that's a bad thing.

When do you stop? personally, where do you all draw the line?

Because i'm thinking, its really blurred for me lately.

cock sucking epiphany

2004-06-13T21:40:00.000-05:00

I had an epiphany of sorts this weekend and pulled out my compact mirror from my purse so I could see his thick purple cock sliding in and out of my mouth (which is usually attributed as being my best facial feature, although The One might disagree).

I was so aroused by the look of my mouth, and his cock, the image has stayed with me. i think His cock is beautiful and He's told me that my mouth is beautiful. Together the reflection was such a huge visual, i may never be the same again.

Clearly, it has become worship for me, for us. Oral-genital contact was never this satisfying before. As trite as it sounds, i feel like a virgin with Him, each time. i've forgotten that i ever did it with another person.....nothing could have prepared me for this level of intensity and devotion.

When did you realize it wasn't just a game?

2004-06-12T22:13:00.000-05:00

MB (the woman who owns me) and I were chatting over some sushi when, out of nowhere, this question pops out of my mouth. She knew exactly what I was talking about. She wasn't sure exactly when, but it was much earlier for her than it was for me.

I remember vague fantasies when I was 19. I remember always being sexually drawn to strong people. I always thought being tied up was the best sex game. For a long time, I thought it was merely something that turned me on. There were plenty of other things that turned me on, so there was no need to pursue something I couldn't even name.

There were hints that I should have picked up on, including a spectacularly bad acid trip with a woman who would have gladly dominated me if I had known how to tell her what I craved. Instead the inexpressibility of my desire took me to a very bad place.

I finally figured it out in my mid 20s. I saw a professional domme and my entire life changed. For weeks afterwards, I was a different person. I was more focused at work. I got along better with friends and family. When the need came back, I knew what it was and how to deal with it.

When did you realize that your submission was more than a game? How did you figure it out?

amazonia on Top

2004-06-07T18:12:00.000-05:00

All this intellectual discussion, while being absolutely fascinating, has me totally overwhelmed, so I'll just talk about myself, its the simplest thing I can think of. I've been out of the academic arena for 15 years, so even tho we are discussing sex and S&M the heavy layers are hard for me to wade thru, appologies. The kids, the job, the world... you know?

So about me...
I was married to a doctor for a long time, he was bottom. And he was so overbearing and demanding, he made me Top. The backass way. I think its called Topping from the bottom, and all agree, its a bad idea. We've been divorced a while now and he's with this really brassy dominate woman who's making him delightfully happy, and I'm so grateful. I'm professinally very outgoing, I have a "large presence", so my not being Top has always been an enigma. Doc couldn't accept it, he "knows I'm a strong woman." So he tried to make me be his Top.

Since that was forced Topping, and I didn't enjoy it, it was never discussed or planned, I'm not going to address it... I'm here to talk about Wolfgang.

Wolfgang was my one big hurrah as pro Domme. We met in NYC, I flew from Texas and he from Cologne, Germany and had spent months negotiating...I'd done alot of research. I was dealing with coming out (to myself even) as a very submissive woman. I ended up using the event with Wolfgang to determin whether or not I was really submissive. The whole thing, from selecting my clothes and "image" to the implements of his torture was enforcing for me that I'm not the Top, I'm the bottom, in so many ways.

I selected a mahogany hairbrush to spank him with. And while I was using it on him, I was constantly afraid I was hurting him. Of course, I wasn't, he was SO digging it, the cum leaking out of him was the best sign of that, but even that, knowing that I was totally turning him on wasn't making me feel good. I was happy to be making him feel good, but it wasn't putting me in a good place, personally, sexually. Also his reaction, was non reaction, he didn't squeal or jump or fight, I've always liked that part of the corporal punishment scene, it completes the stroke for me.

I tied Wg with silk scarves, ankle and wrist to the hotel bed frame and then hog style afterwards. I selected these because they'd be easier to travel with and for the feel of them. Silk is very strong. But I was careful not to cut off his circulation or harm him permanently. I used my belt about his neck to tug him around and secure him and let him feel the leather.

Restraints have always aroused me. I love the symbolism of it, ownership, like a prize dog. Identity, pride. I kept Wolfgang in his quasi collar the whole time, carefully telling him the meaning of it to me. I led him around like a dog and talked to him the way I train one of my own labs. Firm but consistent, fair but stern. Demanding. Loving.

I've always been a huge fan of self control. I control myself rather famously, if I do say so myself. And I controlled Wg that time too. I am a big girl. Six feet in heels and strong. Surely he could have overpowered me, if he'd been inclined, but he wasn't, and I worked out constantly and he sat at a desk all day, so I was more of a match for him. We did tussle a bit, but he was easy enough to subdue. I kept him tied and whipped after that, so he was less inclined to fight.

The whole thing was a watermark in his life, no bragging here, he TOLD me this. He asked me to come to Germany and marry him, I declined, politely. Watermark for him, but it just left me tired. Seriously, instead of seeing friends in NYC the next day, I slept most of the day and missed the show I had tickets for. I was so worn out.

I did not orgasm from the event, not once. I did like him begging to lick and suck on my feet. I did not let him. But had his reaction been different to the beating, I think I might have enjoyed it more, if he'd screamed or struggled......in effect done what *I* do. I know that's not fair, but its honest.

I gave that boy a beating that would have made every man in Texas cry like a baby and he just lay there like a big old German sausage. I was totally disgusted. I decided there that a crop or cane would be necessary if i ever decided to Top again. Hard to carry on the airplane, but very very necessary.

At this point, I'd like to add that when I'm done being the pet (our code for what we do), I'm energized and I feel really great. Not tired or done.....I usually feel like I could do it some more, in fact. I never want to be the Top again. And once I admitted this to myself, finding the other half of my sky was as simple as walking into a party room and bumping into him. I think it was Zen surrender, of a fashion. I had to totally surrender what I thought I was supposed to be for alot of other people and just be me. But I am happy to have given Wolfgang a big memory. I spoke to him the other night and he said how he'd been thinking of me.....and that was nice, but the real me is somebody he's never known and probably wouldn't know what to do with anyway.

So that's my little Domme dissertation. Such as it is :)

btw, I LOVE for him to cum on my face, tummy, chest, everywhere, its not degrading for me at all, not with him. Its fabulous, a MAJOR turn on. I want it everywhere and for him to rub it in. And so he does.

The right person for Mr. Frog is Mrs. Frog.

re: misogyny - an explanation

2004-06-07T14:14:00.000-05:00

Because you asked -

RG and I had a very long conversation regarding the misogyny issue, and I think the conflict of opinions was due largely to the fact that we defined a lot of things differently. For that reason I'm including my own definitions.

Misogyny - hatred of women (I actually looked this one up. It's HATRED, not prejudice, not disrespect, not dislike.)
Hatred - intense dislike; actively wishing the object harm/displeasure
* Four elements in the range of emotion: dislike, hate, like, and love
* Indifference is indepedent of all four.

The scenario: A hates B. A cums on B's face in an effort to cause her displeasure. B gets off on it. A observes B's arousal. A cums on B's face again.

The question: Was the second act one of misogyny?
My answer: It depends on A's intentions before he came the second time.

The possibilities: (How did A react to B's getting aroused by the initial act of misogyny?)
1. A sees B's obvious pleasure and cums on her face for the purpose of giving her pleasure again. -- NOT misogyny. I don't think this one needs to be explained.
2. A simply could not care less about whether or not B got aroused. It doesn't matter - it's his pleasure that does. -- NOT misogyny. This is indifference, not hatred.
3. A doesn't like that B got aroused, but decides that as long as HE gets to do to this bitch what he wants, he can handle her experiencing some pleasure. -- NOT misogyny. This is dislike/disrespect, not hatred. Still wrong, but it is less in degree.
4. A is infuriated and sickened by B's response, and resolves to step up the abuse until B feels displeasure. - MISOGYNY. This is hatred.

To clarify: I don't believe that a crime is defined by the reaction of a victim to it. I believe it's the intention of the victimizer that matters. However, in a case like this where the victimizer is made aware of the victim's pleasure before committing the act in question AND where the crime involves hate, I think it's important to take into consideration the effect of the victim's reaction on the victimizer's intention.

*Head spin* Three in fifteen in the morning and I'm still up turning this over in my head... Thanks, RG. You and your sperm. ;)

Cum and context

2004-06-07T06:07:00.000-05:00

Thanks for bringing up yet another interesting and mind boggling subject, RG!!

I'm a link whore! I usually write "Cum in my face" or something similar in my posts in order to get as many hits from Google as possible. No, I don't, really, but I think we've all seen in our stats how popular such phrases are. Sperm seems to be a very strong symbol, which can be invested with so many meanings. I don't believe there's a fixed answer here ... it all depends on people and context.

I think that, yes, to some men, shooting their sperm in the face of a woman is a misogynist act. It is an act of degradation by smearing something in her face which the man himself defines as dirty. But is it an act of degradation, if the woman loves it and has no idea of the meanings he attaches to it?

To other men, sperm seems to have a strong visual effect as a symbol of intense arousal and climax. And, if they like having a look at that, then shooting it into her - and losing sight of it for good - is kind of ... wasteful. A little childish, perhaps, kind of "Whhhooaaaa .. here I goooo!" That's the wholesome, healthy type shooters.

The meaning of sperm also varies when it comes to women. I think a lot of women would never allow for a man to place his load anywhere else than "in the proper place"!! Those women attach a lot of negative value to it, regardless of how the man feels about his product. Maybe that's why men find women who likes sperm particularly sexy? Because they don't regard their proud load as an abomination?

In many cases, the significance may depend on the way sperm is used and understood within the sexual act itself. It's meaning is created by the man and woman together. And there's no doubt that this meaning changes, when it is not shot into the woman, but somewhere on her instead. Here, I think the significance varies immensely, so in this, I can only draw from my own experiences. To me, getting cum in my face is - at times - a very submissive act. It is not so as a degrading act, but as a rewarding one, of sorts. Sometimes, it's a strong "Good girl"-symbol to me. I did well. At other times it's just, well, very, very arousing! The feeling, the smell, the taste of sperm is deeply erotic, and I enjoy feeling it spurted into me, or anywhere else. I can do this because he does not regard it as dirty in any way. On the contrary. And that way it leaves the arena of misogyny and becomes a "clean" symbol for us to play with. It is a good sex toy!

Maybe one can tell "the misogynist asshole" from "the pleasure shooter" by following this general rule of conduct: If he is disgusted with the idea of touching it himself, he sure ain't gonna shoot any at you either! If he doesn't even wanna lick your pussy if there's any trace of his own sperm there, then what exactly does it signify to him, when he wants you to lick it off your face??

And PS: Piss is different!!!!!

Yin, yang, and more penis envy

2004-06-06T14:17:00.000-05:00

For me, it's all about control.

I've known for a while that I'm strangely preoccupied with the two most powerful experiences in the world. One is giving birth. The thought of my participation in the very act of creation holds incredibly appeal for me: the nine months of suffering and preparation, the need for mental focus, the hours of labor -- and finally, the cries of a life I introduced into the universe. It's a strictly female ability, and I love being a woman because of it. I believe women hold tremendous sway over the affairs of men by virtue of their capability to create, and I enjoy immensely having that power. (To the men here: neener neener neener!)

The other experience, however, is one that belongs exclusively to men: sex. The overwhelming control they are granted by the simple fact that they were born with cocks. As Roger eloquently articulated in the comments to the previous post, the one with the cock gets to dictate almost everything: physical responses, pleasure, speed, urgency, intensity. Although a woman is involved, she is largely passive. I don't mean that all women lie limply in the grasp of the thrusting male-- I mean that her role is much more transitive. When it comes to actual intercourse, she is receptacle and receiver, and not much more. The control is his, all his, and I want it.

Hence my fascination with owning a cock.

For me, the physical aspect of experiencing penetration from the other side doesn't come into the picture at all. I think the roles of a man and a woman during sex determine, to a certain degree, the gender roles outside of it (Yes, RG, I realize I turn everything into metaphors ;) ). I love being creator, but I wonder what it would be like to extend that control past creation.

I think a woman with a cock could rule the world.

reversed

2004-06-05T20:44:00.000-05:00

What must it be like?

To have her emotional distance, her measured smile -- the one whose silence burns you into insecurity? Her ability to lace every innocuous word with innuendo, dripping slowly between your legs in amusement at your frustration? Her speed, matching that of your impatience, ebbing and flowing to infuriate you?

To claim her with a word? To know that you can make her throb with a well-placed stare? To bring her pride to its knees before you, begging shamelessly?

To admire the shine of her hair as she shakes at your feet, trembling under your control? To watch her face contort in all the frequencies of emotion? To witness the birth of her submission as its cries warm the air? To watch the peace ripple through her body in stages: her fine hairs standing on end, a shiver, a violent shudder, an enveloping calm?

To observe with awe the phases of her surrender, each barrier falling in a unique obeisance? To know, as she lies helpless and innocent under you, her eyes wide and trusting, that it was YOUR doing, YOUR control, YOU who took her to this place?

Do you wonder, as I do, what it must be like on the other side?

Do you crave sometimes, as I do, the power of that experience?

15 things about her

2004-06-05T13:54:00.000-05:00

Gen X shoutouts.
She was escourted into her sexuality by Madonna and Prince.
Her first orgasm was at 9 years old during the act of relieving herself outdoors because the wind blew just right.
She pacified herself with her thumb until the age of fifteen.
Father never loved her.....

Her first lover was chosen the very same night in her teenage years that she discovered the direct corrilation between beer and cigarettes. His words lingered like a noose around her neck as he coaxed her into relaxation deflowering her without ever climaxing because he was too high on cocaine.

She wishes she could sing.
Like Diana Krull.

She enjoys pleasing men and the power it gives her.
She envies Monica Lewinsky.

She should have told him that even though she was physically giving him head under a full moon at the edge of a pier on the Atlantic she was mentally four paces back watching the two of them together beacuse she was a vouyer.

She enjoys clean areas. Clean your area. NOW.
She collects music boxes and russian nesting dolls.
She misses her distinctive Hungarian maiden name.
That has reappeared due to error on her driver's license.
To his dismay, she hasn't made the changes.

For Natsuko

2004-06-01T11:34:00.000-05:00

I read your introductory post, and it got so many thoughts going that I've given up fitting it all in a comment. And please forgive me if my language seems somewhat rigid at times. I haven't been writing much else in English than dissertations and such... and, well, a little dirty stuff too ;-)

I didn't intend for it to sound quite so much like Morpheus/The Matrix, but there we go ...

The old childhood "programs" (can't think of a better metaphor right now) running deep in the neurons of our brains often fool us when it comes to our ability to predict the consequenses of our behaviour. We stop ourselves due to an inner, intangible, shadowy sense of limitation. We don't even give ourselves the time to seriously consider which concrete consequences we may actually suffer if we speak out, speak joyfully of our talents, laugh too loud in public or, as women, reveal the depth of our lust (God forbid!). The list is endless. I think that for each of us, the program is a mixture of personal history, cultural encoding and - sometimes - experience.

Yes, I know. In some cases, the consequences we suffer for our actions are very tangible, very real. But my point doesn't concern the restrictions imposed by Texan legislation or the horrible state violence that drives populations worldwide into muted paralysis. I'm referring only to our inner "governments", the invisible regime of guns we point at our own heads. Loaded with fear of consequences of which we usually have no actual experience.

To some people, their "program" defines the very borders of their perception. Most of these people feel safest within that well defined space (as I guess may have been case with your grandmother).

Others, like yourself, are painfully aware of their existence. And that very awareness is the first step, I believe, if you want to un-learn. It allows you to test those subtle limitations. To take little steps ...

Therefore, you did post here. You did not "lurk in the shadows of a comment", although it felt more comfortable there. I did say to my boss "Would you please never, ever speak to me in that patronizing tone again!". RG did try the big A.

I think this forum is populated with wonderful women who need to take such little steps ... and sometimes bigger ones. How "small" or "big" they are can't be measured by a common scale. We have different programs and different circumstances within which to un-learn. Most of the time, fortunately, we find out that the consequences of taking these steps are not what we expected. There were no bad consequences. Our world just got bigger.

Answering RG

2004-06-01T09:29:00.000-05:00

Well, I didn't mean to post twice in a row so soon, but in attempting to answer RG's questions about dominance I doscovered I'd have to make about 4 or 5 comments in order to answer the questions fully. So here is the original comment I intended to make:

I'll try to answer. I'm a switch and not horribly experience in any "scene" except what I've done with my own sexual partners in the privacy of the home.

1. When did you know you were a dominant? I think I've always expressed it in a way- being unafraid to tell sexual partners what I want, thoroughly enjoying being on top and directing my own pleasure. But it only came out in full force when I was playing online with a friend (I guess a more crude word is 'cybering' but I hate that word so much and all the emotionless connotations that come with) anyway- he brought out in me a desire to dominate him. And so I did.

2. Describe your first experience where you felt you exhibited dominant tendencies. Well there's what I said above, always being unafraid to tell my partner what to do and what I wanted. It was a much moe psychological domination rather than physical.

3. Regarding spanking, flogging, or other forms of corporal punishment, describe in detail what it makes you feel. If you are aroused by it - then why? The only thing I really do in terms of 'punishment' is spanking. To me it's emotional- I wouldn't spank someone I didn't care deeply for. It engenders a feeling of power, that this person I am with will surrender to me and let me do something to them they would never let anyone else do. This complete surrender to pain is a beautiful thing- a pure trust. I haven't branched out to whips/flogs yet, but I might try something soon.

4. Regarding physical restraints: Describe what you prefer and why? Mostly what I've done so far is just hands tied to the bed. I might try Shibari sometime but I would like to learn from someone personally rather than a book- and I haven't met anyone yet.

5. If restraints arouse you, do you know why?Well, what I really prefer is no restraints- making my partner restrain themselves. Watching their struggle to not move and knowing what will happen to them if they do. Again it's much more psychological and I love that aspect of it. The reason restraint turns me on is because I know my partner is struggling to touch, but trusting me to know when it is time for them to touch. And watching them enjoy it so much more after they've been deprived of it.

6. Regarding control: Do you control yourself, others or both? Well, I have a sense of self-control, but I don't know as I'd say I 'control myself.' Again, being a switch I like to be dominated just as much as I like to dominate. So I like to control others, but I like others to control me, rather than control myself, I think.

7. What type of control do you find most effective? Threats and physical restraint. If they do something I dislike, they get punished and they know it. If they can't restrain themselves I will restrain them.

8. What type of control do you find most arousing? Psychological control. Using words rather than actions. It arouses me most to know that they're controlling themselves for me and me alone.

9. Have you ever done anything for a submissive that you found completely unarousing for you? Not really. The point when I'm a dominant is to dominate- not to let the submissive have the control over what he/she wants. And this works for me because when we switch and I'm the submissive, then it's my turn to be unable to say what I want.

10. Have you ever been a submissive? Yes. I am submissive 50% of the time and dominant the other 50%. I'm a true switch, as I keep saying. (I'm not repetitive, no way).

I guess this is what you get when my boss calls me and tells me I don't have to come in for 2 more hours. :-p

My Big Hush

2004-06-01T09:01:00.000-05:00

For a long time now I've been meaning to make an introduction for myself. I'm always more comfortable lurking in the shadows of comments, eventually being found out and brought to the surface by others. When rg invited me to post here I thought, 'Wow, what an honor to post amongst these strong women able to come out and tell the world who they are.' It's not that I'm afraid really, just that I was grown up taught to exhibit a false sense of modesty--but in me it has turned into something real. I'm not afraid to comment on something someone has already said, but it's so anathema to my sense of self to go around telling the world of my good qualities.

It's funny really, my maternal grandmother exhibits this in a very negative way--she will only speak negatively of herself. Never mentioning how she raised 4 children (all girls) while maintaining a healthy marriage and a job as a nurse at a local practice. She will not say, 'I did all these things on a shoestring budget and I now have 4 successful daughters and 5 successful grandchildren.' But only, 'I am so fat,' 'I am so unsuccessful.'

My mother is the exact opposite. She is never afraid of telling the world what she is and what she has done, sometimes to the point of appearing boastful. So I am stuck in the middle. I have my modesty and my discomfort at speaking about myself, and yet not wanting to seem like I am being a Negative Nellie. And I don't have the words either, I don't know where to pull out the beautiful prose like the other women here. I'm not sure where it comes from, somewhere deep down maybe that I haven't discovered for myself.

That is my Big Hush.

i can tell we are different

2004-05-31T18:42:00.000-05:00

round green eyes look out over Memorial Day picnics that could feed entire villiages in Mexico

flat green lawns, manicured by small brown men greet my feet

the large pink feet that are newly hewned soft by a brand new American who is smaller than my preteen son her hands already strong as a man.

crisp green money falls from grace from the height of my shoulders that support an oily empire of greed

old rich white men cluck like chickens behind my sinful back, unmarried, slut...I can tell their wives peck them into the corner of the barnyard.

They watch my pink throat and chest while i talk to them, ignoring my green eyes that show them how we are all the same much to my disgust.

Is there a fire in the sky... Is anything alive now?

2004-05-31T14:54:00.000-05:00

They raised me silent.

Where I come from, everyone is. While the laws have long since flaunted independence, the people shuffle randomly in the wake of a few centuries' cultural submission. They don't speak. When the questions come, silence. When desire calls, secrecy. When progress knocks, blank stares. Absolute stillness of thought. Most of the time I believe the silence will give way to my insanity.

Other times, like tonight, it just gets lonely. Do you know what it's like to be born wailing and kicking in a place where everyone is mute? It's like being a mistake.

It isn't a romantic lonely. It isn't a gripping, urgent need for skinonskin and lustonlust-- it is sheer spiritual grief.

It's mourning for all the living and longing for the lost dead fires. Where did all the voices go? Where are the revolutionaries? Where are the suffragists, the activists, the thinkers? Have they all given in to an immigration of mind?

It is thinking: am I the only one here who screams? Am I the only one here who craves the noise?

It is knowing: Yes. I'm alone.

This big hush infects them all.

what yall doin?

2004-05-30T21:44:00.000-05:00

There's a tornado watch on for this part of Texas tonight, one of the twins is a weather phobe, he's asleep on the sofa in the tv room, waiting for the end of the world via tornado. I knew I shouldn't have let them have their own copy of "Wizard of Oz" at such a young age. Live and learn. Bad mama. This is the kid that's also terrified of bees and wasps, but I think that's his father's fault, that guy is a total pussy about bees and wasps.

I'm eating a bowl of mixed nuts, grousing about my hormonal condition... wishing He was here to soothe my ruffled feathers, that are ruffled for no particular reason (except that estrogen is NOT my friend)... wondering, why don't they put more pecans in these things, pecans are the best.

I was going to play house today, but all i did was wash the little car and clean up the breakfast room. And take a 3 hour nap.

And more cashews, cashews are wonderful.

Are we allowed to post nonsence like this in here?? because I'm like totally full of nonsence about 2 weeks out of a month.

I was thinking I should come in here and write a dissertation about feminism and d/s and make a really grand entrance, but you know what? fuck it.

There's a reason why pecans are the state nut of Texas. Any state that has declared a state nut but won't allow you to own more than 3 dildos or have consentual anal sex needs stuff like a really fab state nut.

I hope i don't get banned form the blog after one day! that'd be so embarrassing!

Why the big hush?

2004-05-30T08:48:00.000-05:00

First, a huge thanks to remittance girl for letting me post here. It is much easier to discuss issues this way than to use the limited space in a comment box.

I think most people who are into D/s or similar sex/mind games are painfully aware that their desires can be misinterpreted badly if they are exposed in a the wrong context. There will always be an abundance of people who just don't understand the differences between ie. rape fantasies and rape per se. Imagine how the whole thing would look if you had to defend your fantasies in court after being raped for real?

I believe this lack of understanding goes for D/s too. Being a submissive in bed doesn't mean that what you really want deep inside is to let men control you at the office as well. On the contrary. Acknowledging who you are between the sheets (or a wide variety of other locations ;-))doesn't mean that this is also what you are everywhere else. It is a narrow and rather sad view on the whole thing.

Regarding D/s sexuality as a backlash in the relationship between men and women, as an anti-feminist return to a subdued domestic life is also utterly wrong. Submission is not weakness. For me, the proces of acknowledging my desires is so personally empowering that it is hard to describe. If anything, the honesty I find in sexual submission strengthens me more than any expensive leadership course provided my workplace could ever do. I feel liberated, balanced and empowered by it.

Why am I still in the closet, you may ask, hiding behind display names and aliases? Well, I have no wish to justify myself to people who cannot see or sense the differences discussed here. So far, this will remain a big hush!