05 June 2004


What must it be like?

To have her emotional distance, her measured smile -- the one whose silence burns you into insecurity? Her ability to lace every innocuous word with innuendo, dripping slowly between your legs in amusement at your frustration? Her speed, matching that of your impatience, ebbing and flowing to infuriate you?

To claim her with a word? To know that you can make her throb with a well-placed stare? To bring her pride to its knees before you, begging shamelessly?

To admire the shine of her hair as she shakes at your feet, trembling under your control? To watch her face contort in all the frequencies of emotion? To witness the birth of her submission as its cries warm the air? To watch the peace ripple through her body in stages: her fine hairs standing on end, a shiver, a violent shudder, an enveloping calm?

To observe with awe the phases of her surrender, each barrier falling in a unique obeisance? To know, as she lies helpless and innocent under you, her eyes wide and trusting, that it was YOUR doing, YOUR control, YOU who took her to this place?

Do you wonder, as I do, what it must be like on the other side?

Do you crave sometimes, as I do, the power of that experience?

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15 things about her

Gen X shoutouts.
She was escourted into her sexuality by Madonna and Prince.
Her first orgasm was at 9 years old during the act of relieving herself outdoors because the wind blew just right.
She pacified herself with her thumb until the age of fifteen.
Father never loved her.....

Her first lover was chosen the very same night in her teenage years that she discovered the direct corrilation between beer and cigarettes. His words lingered like a noose around her neck as he coaxed her into relaxation deflowering her without ever climaxing because he was too high on cocaine.

She wishes she could sing.
Like Diana Krull.

She enjoys pleasing men and the power it gives her.
She envies Monica Lewinsky.

She should have told him that even though she was physically giving him head under a full moon at the edge of a pier on the Atlantic she was mentally four paces back watching the two of them together beacuse she was a vouyer.

She enjoys clean areas. Clean your area. NOW.
She collects music boxes and russian nesting dolls.
She misses her distinctive Hungarian maiden name.
That has reappeared due to error on her driver's license.
To his dismay, she hasn't made the changes.

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01 June 2004

For Natsuko

I read your introductory post, and it got so many thoughts going that I've given up fitting it all in a comment. And please forgive me if my language seems somewhat rigid at times. I haven't been writing much else in English than dissertations and such... and, well, a little dirty stuff too ;-)

I didn't intend for it to sound quite so much like Morpheus/The Matrix, but there we go ...

The old childhood "programs" (can't think of a better metaphor right now) running deep in the neurons of our brains often fool us when it comes to our ability to predict the consequenses of our behaviour. We stop ourselves due to an inner, intangible, shadowy sense of limitation. We don't even give ourselves the time to seriously consider which concrete consequences we may actually suffer if we speak out, speak joyfully of our talents, laugh too loud in public or, as women, reveal the depth of our lust (God forbid!). The list is endless. I think that for each of us, the program is a mixture of personal history, cultural encoding and - sometimes - experience.

Yes, I know. In some cases, the consequences we suffer for our actions are very tangible, very real. But my point doesn't concern the restrictions imposed by Texan legislation or the horrible state violence that drives populations worldwide into muted paralysis. I'm referring only to our inner "governments", the invisible regime of guns we point at our own heads. Loaded with fear of consequences of which we usually have no actual experience.

To some people, their "program" defines the very borders of their perception. Most of these people feel safest within that well defined space (as I guess may have been case with your grandmother).

Others, like yourself, are painfully aware of their existence. And that very awareness is the first step, I believe, if you want to un-learn. It allows you to test those subtle limitations. To take little steps ...

Therefore, you did post here. You did not "lurk in the shadows of a comment", although it felt more comfortable there. I did say to my boss "Would you please never, ever speak to me in that patronizing tone again!". RG did try the big A.

I think this forum is populated with wonderful women who need to take such little steps ... and sometimes bigger ones. How "small" or "big" they are can't be measured by a common scale. We have different programs and different circumstances within which to un-learn. Most of the time, fortunately, we find out that the consequences of taking these steps are not what we expected. There were no bad consequences. Our world just got bigger.

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Answering RG

Well, I didn't mean to post twice in a row so soon, but in attempting to answer RG's questions about dominance I doscovered I'd have to make about 4 or 5 comments in order to answer the questions fully. So here is the original comment I intended to make:

I'll try to answer. I'm a switch and not horribly experience in any "scene" except what I've done with my own sexual partners in the privacy of the home.

1. When did you know you were a dominant? I think I've always expressed it in a way- being unafraid to tell sexual partners what I want, thoroughly enjoying being on top and directing my own pleasure. But it only came out in full force when I was playing online with a friend (I guess a more crude word is 'cybering' but I hate that word so much and all the emotionless connotations that come with) anyway- he brought out in me a desire to dominate him. And so I did.

2. Describe your first experience where you felt you exhibited dominant tendencies. Well there's what I said above, always being unafraid to tell my partner what to do and what I wanted. It was a much moe psychological domination rather than physical.

3. Regarding spanking, flogging, or other forms of corporal punishment, describe in detail what it makes you feel. If you are aroused by it - then why? The only thing I really do in terms of 'punishment' is spanking. To me it's emotional- I wouldn't spank someone I didn't care deeply for. It engenders a feeling of power, that this person I am with will surrender to me and let me do something to them they would never let anyone else do. This complete surrender to pain is a beautiful thing- a pure trust. I haven't branched out to whips/flogs yet, but I might try something soon.

4. Regarding physical restraints: Describe what you prefer and why? Mostly what I've done so far is just hands tied to the bed. I might try Shibari sometime but I would like to learn from someone personally rather than a book- and I haven't met anyone yet.

5. If restraints arouse you, do you know why?Well, what I really prefer is no restraints- making my partner restrain themselves. Watching their struggle to not move and knowing what will happen to them if they do. Again it's much more psychological and I love that aspect of it. The reason restraint turns me on is because I know my partner is struggling to touch, but trusting me to know when it is time for them to touch. And watching them enjoy it so much more after they've been deprived of it.

6. Regarding control: Do you control yourself, others or both? Well, I have a sense of self-control, but I don't know as I'd say I 'control myself.' Again, being a switch I like to be dominated just as much as I like to dominate. So I like to control others, but I like others to control me, rather than control myself, I think.

7. What type of control do you find most effective? Threats and physical restraint. If they do something I dislike, they get punished and they know it. If they can't restrain themselves I will restrain them.

8. What type of control do you find most arousing? Psychological control. Using words rather than actions. It arouses me most to know that they're controlling themselves for me and me alone.

9. Have you ever done anything for a submissive that you found completely unarousing for you? Not really. The point when I'm a dominant is to dominate- not to let the submissive have the control over what he/she wants. And this works for me because when we switch and I'm the submissive, then it's my turn to be unable to say what I want.

10. Have you ever been a submissive? Yes. I am submissive 50% of the time and dominant the other 50%. I'm a true switch, as I keep saying. (I'm not repetitive, no way).

I guess this is what you get when my boss calls me and tells me I don't have to come in for 2 more hours. :-p

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My Big Hush

For a long time now I've been meaning to make an introduction for myself. I'm always more comfortable lurking in the shadows of comments, eventually being found out and brought to the surface by others. When rg invited me to post here I thought, 'Wow, what an honor to post amongst these strong women able to come out and tell the world who they are.' It's not that I'm afraid really, just that I was grown up taught to exhibit a false sense of modesty--but in me it has turned into something real. I'm not afraid to comment on something someone has already said, but it's so anathema to my sense of self to go around telling the world of my good qualities.

It's funny really, my maternal grandmother exhibits this in a very negative way--she will only speak negatively of herself. Never mentioning how she raised 4 children (all girls) while maintaining a healthy marriage and a job as a nurse at a local practice. She will not say, 'I did all these things on a shoestring budget and I now have 4 successful daughters and 5 successful grandchildren.' But only, 'I am so fat,' 'I am so unsuccessful.'

My mother is the exact opposite. She is never afraid of telling the world what she is and what she has done, sometimes to the point of appearing boastful. So I am stuck in the middle. I have my modesty and my discomfort at speaking about myself, and yet not wanting to seem like I am being a Negative Nellie. And I don't have the words either, I don't know where to pull out the beautiful prose like the other women here. I'm not sure where it comes from, somewhere deep down maybe that I haven't discovered for myself.

That is my Big Hush.

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31 May 2004

i can tell we are different

round green eyes look out over Memorial Day picnics that could feed entire villiages in Mexico

flat green lawns, manicured by small brown men greet my feet

the large pink feet that are newly hewned soft by a brand new American who is smaller than my preteen son her hands already strong as a man.

crisp green money falls from grace from the height of my shoulders that support an oily empire of greed

old rich white men cluck like chickens behind my sinful back, unmarried, slut...I can tell their wives peck them into the corner of the barnyard.

They watch my pink throat and chest while i talk to them, ignoring my green eyes that show them how we are all the same much to my disgust.

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Is there a fire in the sky... Is anything alive now?

They raised me silent.

Where I come from, everyone is. While the laws have long since flaunted independence, the people shuffle randomly in the wake of a few centuries' cultural submission. They don't speak. When the questions come, silence. When desire calls, secrecy. When progress knocks, blank stares. Absolute stillness of thought. Most of the time I believe the silence will give way to my insanity.

Other times, like tonight, it just gets lonely. Do you know what it's like to be born wailing and kicking in a place where everyone is mute? It's like being a mistake.

It isn't a romantic lonely. It isn't a gripping, urgent need for skinonskin and lustonlust-- it is sheer spiritual grief.

It's mourning for all the living and longing for the lost dead fires. Where did all the voices go? Where are the revolutionaries? Where are the suffragists, the activists, the thinkers? Have they all given in to an immigration of mind?

It is thinking: am I the only one here who screams? Am I the only one here who craves the noise?

It is knowing: Yes. I'm alone.

This big hush infects them all.

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30 May 2004

what yall doin?

There's a tornado watch on for this part of Texas tonight, one of the twins is a weather phobe, he's asleep on the sofa in the tv room, waiting for the end of the world via tornado. I knew I shouldn't have let them have their own copy of "Wizard of Oz" at such a young age. Live and learn. Bad mama. This is the kid that's also terrified of bees and wasps, but I think that's his father's fault, that guy is a total pussy about bees and wasps.

I'm eating a bowl of mixed nuts, grousing about my hormonal condition... wishing He was here to soothe my ruffled feathers, that are ruffled for no particular reason (except that estrogen is NOT my friend)... wondering, why don't they put more pecans in these things, pecans are the best.

I was going to play house today, but all i did was wash the little car and clean up the breakfast room. And take a 3 hour nap.

And more cashews, cashews are wonderful.

Are we allowed to post nonsence like this in here?? because I'm like totally full of nonsence about 2 weeks out of a month.

I was thinking I should come in here and write a dissertation about feminism and d/s and make a really grand entrance, but you know what? fuck it.

There's a reason why pecans are the state nut of Texas. Any state that has declared a state nut but won't allow you to own more than 3 dildos or have consentual anal sex needs stuff like a really fab state nut.

I hope i don't get banned form the blog after one day! that'd be so embarrassing!

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Why the big hush?

First, a huge thanks to remittance girl for letting me post here. It is much easier to discuss issues this way than to use the limited space in a comment box.

I think most people who are into D/s or similar sex/mind games are painfully aware that their desires can be misinterpreted badly if they are exposed in a the wrong context. There will always be an abundance of people who just don't understand the differences between ie. rape fantasies and rape per se. Imagine how the whole thing would look if you had to defend your fantasies in court after being raped for real?

I believe this lack of understanding goes for D/s too. Being a submissive in bed doesn't mean that what you really want deep inside is to let men control you at the office as well. On the contrary. Acknowledging who you are between the sheets (or a wide variety of other locations ;-))doesn't mean that this is also what you are everywhere else. It is a narrow and rather sad view on the whole thing.

Regarding D/s sexuality as a backlash in the relationship between men and women, as an anti-feminist return to a subdued domestic life is also utterly wrong. Submission is not weakness. For me, the proces of acknowledging my desires is so personally empowering that it is hard to describe. If anything, the honesty I find in sexual submission strengthens me more than any expensive leadership course provided my workplace could ever do. I feel liberated, balanced and empowered by it.

Why am I still in the closet, you may ask, hiding behind display names and aliases? Well, I have no wish to justify myself to people who cannot see or sense the differences discussed here. So far, this will remain a big hush!

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