11 August 2004

No excuses

Gosh, I've missed you all. I've not even been able to read for pleasure for about 2 weeks now, much less write. Crazy busy is the notion that best describes it.

The One and I have been playing house at the end of summer with big hopes and plans and I'm looking at a substantial promotion at work. I just had a few moments to try to catch up this morning and wanted to let you know I hadn't dropped off the face of the earth... just down into a deep hole for a while. I hope you are all wall and getting what you need. I'll be a more regular participant after school starts again, at least that 's the plan. Hugs. ama

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09 August 2004

I'm generally a good girl. ;)

Well, this is definitely an interesting topic! Before P and I went any deeper than surface level into our BDSM relationship, we talked a lot about everything associated with it.

In the beginning, pain scared the hell out of me. I was terrified of it, I feared it. I wanted to be submissive but, from what I knew before studying theory, I assumed that meant I had to be into pain and that I had to want to get beaten on a fairly regular basis. This not being true, I approached P and we've had MANY discussions related to this topic.

I'm not a pain slut. I'm growing to love spankings, but that's truly the extent of things. I've come to realize lately that I have a bit of a Daddy issue (even more than I thought), so being punished for "misbehaving" would have to be handled very delicately. Then again, perhaps part of the reason I'm behaving well in the first place is to please him (instead of fear of being reprimanded).

P and I have never really gone to a punishment level with my submission. It's been said time and again that if he asks me to do something and I neglect it, or challenge it, there will be punishments. Generally, though, it will be some sort of sexual punishment - withholding of orgasm and that sort of thing.

That said, he has spanked me before. The problem there is that I'm beginning to like it, which means it's not so much a "punishment" anymore. I'm a tough nut to crack though, so I'm not sure there could be an appropriate punishment for me. *shrug* Anyway, that's my take on it.

Punishment for punishment's sake, like Devi said, is an entirely different beast. A Dom who is overly sadistic, however, won't have a sub who isn't into pain for too long or will end up with a overly masochistic submissive. Either way, everything works out in the end.

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Fake Punishment?

Okay, so here's my post. :P

When I was with Sir, even before I went out to visit, he made it very clear that I wouldn't need to misbehave to get flogged.

As a matter of fact, he specifically told me, "I don't want you to misbehave. I'll help you find subspace and it won't be punishment ... it'll be playing. Punishment is different, and you won't like it."

After that, I mentioned something about chewing up his socks ... but I digress.

I liked that idea. I liked the way of thinking he had. Even before I had much to do with BDSM, the thought of being a 'bad puppy' was not a thrilling one to me. My psyche is such that that's probably the worst sort of punishment that someone can inflict on me; when I'm subbed out, I thrive on making people happy.

The one time I challenged him was interesting, though. He'd told me to do something, and I just sort of looked up at him and smirked. He didn't realize for a few moments that it was a challenge, but when he did ... the physical punishment was swift, harsh, and intense. It caught me off guard, and of course it felt horrible. Nothing like "playing."

But, in a way, it also put me in my place and reminded me who was the Dom and who was the puppy. I thanked him for it afterward. Partially because he let me know that it didn't mean that I was horrible, and partially because he was paying enough attention to my actions to recognize that I was challenging him in the first place. And, for the record, I challenged him just to see if he was paying attention.

In talking to and interacting with a lot of Doms since then, I was extremely surprised at the amount of them that actually expect me to misbehave, just so they can have an excuse to flog me. Really, they don't need that. I like flogging/pain (to a certain degree), when it's done right. I've tried to explain that to them, and I've also tried to explain that I don't like misbehaving, but they don't seem to grasp that little concept.

Recently, after a bit of play with a "Dom", I was accused of being too submissive. He didn't say it in so many words, but that's the general meaning I caught from what he told me.

WTF? Is there such a thing? And if there is, is it bad? Needless to say, I didn't feel so kosher after being told that, and doubt I'll ever, EVER play with him again.

I have no idea if this makes any sense whatsoever, but there you have it. Now I'm feeling all nostalgic.

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