10 July 2004

Online Doms And Other Stuff

First of all ... sweet bajayzus! I hope I'm doing this right, Yen. :)

Second of all ... I have just been neatly Dommed online.

I never did quite catch the 'online Domming' thing. Nor the 'Domming over the phone' thing. Both seemed like a potentially dangerous thing to do with my submissiveness. However, when you crave being submissive (to someone you trust) like a crack fiend craves the next hit, then you'll [read: I'll] take what you can get.

He's from Canada, and he's become my friend first. He hasn't been pushy at all. In fact, I sometimes think that he likes me more from my intelligence than for anything else. That, and my wonderful sense of sarcasm.

But, I was tipsy tonight (damn Kahlua is the DEVIL), and feeling extraordinarily subby, and he just sort of swung into that mode.

It was very odd to see him do that. But since I trust him quite a bit, and know he's being very careful with me (even in our completely vanilla conversations, I can tell he is), then it was shockingly easy for me to slip into sub mode and let him Dom me like that.

Very shocking.

I would be lying if I said that it didn't satisfy that little craving I have. It was more like a sort of an exchange between good friends, and I liked the vibe I got from the whole thing.

However, being Dommed online like that leaves much to be desired ... on both ends. On my end, I don't get the touch and the pain administered by someone ELSE. On his end, he really can't see how I'm reacting and probably has trouble judging how things work when he's doing them (which is why he's careful.) Plus, there's no nuzzling and cuddly hugs after, and no touch to make things better. It leaves me wanting and very puzzled sometimes.

I'm unsure if I want to do either the phone thing or the online thing again. We'll see.

In other news, I've been asked to consider going to visit another Dom friend of mine who lives up north (not Canada :) .) I've known him for about two months all told, and he's very sweet and seems to like me a lot, which is what I look for first. He's also offered to pay for the ticket.

He's insisting I have a friend of mine run his name in through security, he's insisting I have someone to call at certain times while I'm up there to let them know I'm okay, and he's insisting that we have generally established rules and a safeword. All of said insisting makes me feel better about the whole thing, but going to meet someone you've never met before is still a scary thing.

Scary, but I -still- think I want to do it.

He told me to take as much time as I wanted to think about it, which I'm going to do. I really do think he's a pretty great guy, and maybe going up there will actually help me. Who knows?

That's it for the randomness of this post. What do you guys think?

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06 July 2004

XHTML and conditional tags

At the request of RG, who got the idea from Rose, I've fiddled with the template and learned enough XHTML from the Blogger help pages to figure out how to integrate that tiny little Read more! link at bottom into every post.

If you're reading this, it works! There's a problem, though... this method involves a change in the template of the blog AND (unless the Hush team is willing to learn how to use a simple tag) one in the posting template, even the older entries are affected. They all have a little link at the end, even though it's pretty useless-- this method requires a manual summary/excerpt of every post. This one is an alternative. It shows/hides the entire post, without the benefit of a summary, but it does it to all posts automatically. It uses plain old CSS (as opposed to this one's conditional CSS) and javascript. Let me know what you think. Oh, and also, let me know if you can't figure out how to work the new posting template.

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05 July 2004

Thinking Out Loud...

I've had a weird past few days. Or, weeks, rather.

By putting my profile up on one of those BDSM sites, I've been talking to a lot of Doms online. And people who -think- they're Doms.

I've been told several times that I'm not a 'true sub' in the past few weeks. I've already had doubts about that myself. I must admit, though, that the people who've said this about me -- well, they wouldn't be the first sort of people that I'd invite to a picnic.

I've also met lots of lovely, wonderful people ... whom I've alienated or basically made feel like shit. ;)

I throw up major walls if people start poking past them. If they manage to get a little through them, then I call in reinforcements and sandbags.

This tends to either make people think I'm a bitch, or make people think that I'm not worth talking to. Which, in some cases and on some days, I'm not.

But ... I -need- a Dom.

That's the only thing that seems to work for me. That wonderful mindfuck, that wiggles through the cracks in my walls and and exposes me for my inner slut. The deep, hard, wondrous pain that centers me and opens me up in so many ways. Deep in subspace, willing and eager to please, wonderful place that it is. And having someone there to prop me up after I come out of it, nicely reconstructed and formed.

I really need that.

I just reject it at every turn. ;)

Maybe that's why I can associate so much with RG's stories. It's almost like she's crawled inside of my head or something. Scary.

Anyway, that's my thinking out loud today. Well, not really out loud, except for the sound of my keyboard.

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