17 June 2004

Non-Sexual Submission

I can really only understand this through the lens of my limited personal experience, which amounted to half a dozen sessions over the course of a couple of months. It was absolutely not in the context of a 24/7 D/S relationship. Like many others here, I don't think I could tolerate that.

(Something just occurred to me. As a community for the "The Thinking Submissive" we may be selecting away from submissives who would enjoy this. Not that they don't think, but that they aren't the sort that would choose the word "thinking" FIRST. I'm a feeling and emoting submissive too, but I would describe myself as a thinking submissive before using those words.)

She called it "slave training", which means many different things to many different people. It was something I asked for not really knowing what it was. She had spoken about it before and it was clear that it was pretty close to the heart of her personal kink. Her enthusiasm for it made me want to try it just to please her.

She was very skilled in pavlovian and operant conditioning. She had already used these skills to train me, unasked, into a fetish for golden showers.

The training was tedious. She picked a difficult task and watched over me like a hawk while I did it. One day she had me re-arrange her dungeon. And then arrange it all back. If I made a mistake I got punished. The mistake might be not following instructions properly. But it might be for something she never specifically told me (walking too loudly). There was never any variation in the punishment. She scolded me and hit the soles of my feet with a cane. I'm sure she picked it because she knew I genuinely hated it. The reward was even simpler. She just praised me nicely and used my name (which she never used otherwise once she started the training).

It was oddly satisfying to go home after a session in which I had done well, which was usually. I think, but am not sure, that she made a point of ending the sessions on a note of accomplishment. The weirdest thing is that I ended up jonesing (hey, it was New York so I can use that word) for the reward really badly between sessions.

Our sessions ended when she moved away. I don't think I would have continued much longer anyway. It was interesting, but I wasn't really enjoying it. Also, it didn't feel at all like I was surrendering to her, which I need to feel.

Does anybody else have an experience with this?

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15 June 2004

Novels for our submissive selves

What novels appeal to your submissive side? I'm most interested in hearing about books in which the BDSM is overt rather than sublimated. Do you re-read these books? Do they take you someplace different than submitting in real life?

Don't be shy about listing your guilty pleasures. If you like it despite the fact that it's awful, then some aspect of it must be very appealing.

Since it's my idea, I'll go first: I'm fond of Jacqueline Carey's Kushiel Novels. Kushiel's Dart is the first book in the trilogy. I like the heroine. She's submissive, narcissistic, a born masochist, and incredibly strong.

I'll mention a few more later if they don't show up on somebody else's list.

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14 June 2004

Where do you draw your line?

I've mentioned before that I get really annoyed with online chat that includes the statement that "I love everything" or "You can do anything to me". I'm certain that everybody DOESN'T love everything that I could come up with, in fact, part of me wants to deliberatly horrify those people who suggest that they'd blindly follow me along which ever perverted path I would choose.

But I've also realized in the past few days that i'm not sure where my limits would be with Jon, aka, The One. He's never pushed me that far.

I think, I'm not much of a kisser (its always kind of grossed me out, actually) and then i find myself sucking on his lips and tongue like i'm starving. I think, he's too big and too strong for me to want his weight on me, his hands around my throat, then i beg him to mount me and hold me tightly. And His hand closing around my throat makes me cum. His bites make me shudder with orgasm. His body pushing me into the mattress makes me feel loved and protected in a way i never felt before.

I've never been one for public display, but i gladly wear his collar when we get away from this little Baptist/Republican town, i revel in his attaching my ankle cuffs around the table leg at a swank sushi retaurant AND LEAVNG ME THERE WHILE HE WASHES HIS HANDS. When He unfastened me at meal's end and praised me as His "Good pet", i felt reborn. I want to hold His hand, but i want more for Him to grasp my wrist and lead me where He wants me. I want to be lead by Him.

So here i am with all this conflicted information, what i want, what i like, what i *thought* i wanted. What i REALLY want. I used to be pretty sure i knew what i would and wouldn't do, now i'm not so sure. And i'm not sure that's a bad thing.

When do you stop? personally, where do you all draw the line?

Because i'm thinking, its really blurred for me lately.

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13 June 2004

cock sucking epiphany

I had an epiphany of sorts this weekend and pulled out my compact mirror from my purse so I could see his thick purple cock sliding in and out of my mouth (which is usually attributed as being my best facial feature, although The One might disagree).

I was so aroused by the look of my mouth, and his cock, the image has stayed with me. i think His cock is beautiful and He's told me that my mouth is beautiful. Together the reflection was such a huge visual, i may never be the same again.

Clearly, it has become worship for me, for us. Oral-genital contact was never this satisfying before. As trite as it sounds, i feel like a virgin with Him, each time. i've forgotten that i ever did it with another person.....nothing could have prepared me for this level of intensity and devotion.

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