24 July 2004

digging deeper

"Only those with higher intelligence require discipline."
~ Quote from "Dark Angel" Series One.

I missed this series deeply, wanting my Jessica Alba fix on disc (both seasons) for my own selfish reasons.

When I heard the above quote spoken it made me thing of RG and what she is trying to accomplish here. The Understanding of why we are what we are. Digging a lil deeper while looking around at the others ......

It makes me feel better knowing the lean toward submissiveness might be an intelligence requirement instead of a replacement for a non-loving father. I always thought it was a daddy thing.

As children, we receive (require) our discipline from our parents. Growing up it is handed to us out of love in the hopes of steering us in the right direction. It was nothing more than a parental obligation.

As adults, what happens to the need for discipline? Our parents find themselves fighting to step away instead of intervening in our lives. Allowing us the room to grow and discover. It deprives us of a basic need we seek find fulfillment elsewhere.

Writing from the hip, I find that as adults it makes perfect sense to seek out our need in sexual situations. The need to be told what to do and feeling good about meeting the requirements of our lovers.

In another sense, personal this time, we become self disciplined to the point of hurting ourselves both menatally and physically for breaking (personal) rules and requirements we set up for ourselves. At the same time, rewarding ourselves in simplistic ways for following through on our objectives.

Does submissiveness really boil down to the intelligent mind's innocent need for discipline?

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18 July 2004

A Sigh Is Just A Sound?

I think I might be ... sort of ... on the verge of ... or something ... falling in love with someone I met online. Yes, it's very ironic, given some of the posts here recently.

Thing is, I hate being in love. I hate liking someone enough to let down some of my walls.  Because when I get disappointed, it's like a deep sucker punch in my gut.

I have no idea if it has anything to do with me being submissive or what, but if someone lets me down (even if it's not their fault) I feel like it was something personal, and I even -cry- about it.

Yes. Cry. Even if it's something small.

And I hate that. I think it makes me inherently weak. I hate the thought that I might be weak on the inside ... I hate letting people affect me like that. I would rather be painfully independant.

And since that's what's happened today (even though it was just a mistake), I think I'll be rebuilding some walls.

Okay, I'm rambling horribly. Hodgepodge post. Eek, right? I don't think I'll even bother to spellcheck this one.

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