17 July 2004


Once you've been rejected by a parent, you never recover. I don't care what anybody else says, I know this in my heart. All the shrinks who want to talk  you down and convince you otherwise, are probably from loving homes or experimenting on you.

My heart belonged to him until he threw it to the ground and walked away. He is the very worst kind of alcoholic and drug addict. Yes, there are scales of wretchedness and he's off the deep end. That he still lives shocks me almost daily. I've spoken to him 3 times in 16 years. He's never seen my children, they ask questions about him, which I try not to lie in addressing.

I first considered posting about his life and predelictions, but after ruminating on it for a full day, i think just my reaction to it all is what really matters. And all those hours of therapy made me sure that its all about me at this point, not him.

He rejected me. He played head games with me when he wasn't rejecting me. He refused to help support us financially.   He scared me and confused me and told me CRAZY things. He took me and my brother into extreemly dangerous situations, he left us places for long periods of time while he did whatever he wanted to. He brought a series of women (and men) into our lives, people who meant nothing to him, but whom we grew close to, only to be punished for our falling in love with more nurtuting people.

So where did this leave me? My best girlfriend and I founded the "Bad Daddy Club" in college and its got many charter members. I steeled myself, did that promiscuious/ drug /punk band thing that RG mentioned, found a man I thought would keep me safe and be that daddy for me (at least he's a marginally good daddy to our kids), went into therapy (alot) and then got to where I could parent my own self. (at least when I'm strong and emotionally healthy.) Did I mention prozac? And several  hospital stays? And suicide attempts? Not in that order.

I'm almost 40 god damn years old. I try to grow up every day. But I still want/need Jon to be the father to my little girl. This sounds so desperate and sad. And my childhood wasn't really, at least not on the surface, but its all that foetid caudron stuff that RG talks about that over shadows the beautiful childhood images.

I drank too much last  night,  but I never worry that I'm an alcoholic...i knew what i was doing and it was just what i needed, only now i need a glass of water and a pain pill. My head's splitting, but that may be what's become known as "the Bad Daddy Club" headache, one seems to develope it from all the wincing and squirrming one does when divulging  one's membership the first time.

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11 July 2004

finding the One online

<--! The difference between cyberspace and reality is that in cyberspace, all of the physical and visual stuff is gone and it becomes an intellectual exercise alone. -->

<--!Then you meet and there may or may not be chemistry, but that intellectual spark that started it is still there, just under all the visual and physical stuff we bring to meetings

I met the One online. I know its not classy, or traditional, or smart. But He's the One and i don't care how i had to meet him. I waited all my life for Him. We moved in circles around Texas, in time with each other, carefully missing each other. Who knows if we glanced up and saw the other, only to look away out of fear and unknowing?

The hours we spent online talking, not able to touch, not able to smell, not able to do anything "real" led us here.

Here: where we paint our bedroom, and pick up kids form camp and are as mundane as humanly possible. And have never been happier.

This is what i want for you all. No matter where you find it

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