03 August 2004

Quest for self and submission.

A recent stuggle to better understand myself has led to a lot of soul searching, which spawned this article. Can submission take you on a quest for self or better help you to understand your inner workings? Is submission a static force in life or is it constantly flucuating, like so many other things?

Every few years, when the seasons begin to change from warm and balmy to cooler and blustery, I become very internal and like to burn my entire world to the ground. Generally, I come back like a phoenix from the ashes, more self-aware and driven to pursue the goals that I can validate and explain. Sometimes this requires a massive change in my thinking (such as going from pro-life to pro-choice, just an example. I'm ardently pro-choice!), and sometimes it simply cements in my mind those activities and beliefs I'm attached to.

Whatever the reason, my quest for self this year has allowed me a unique perspective on submission. This is the first year of my life I've truly been able to embrace submission to the highest degree. I'm more involved now than I ever was, and I'm not afraid to admit to myself the reasons why.

Let's begin at the beginning. A quest for self is an ongoing, static element in day to day life, though one may not actually realize it to be happening. Everything a person does in life is a pin-point exact mechanism to further his or her own personal goal(s) - whether that be to fit in, forge a new path or choose to separate from their original belief system entirely.

Selfhood is in the largest lifestyle details and the smallest: religion, desire to have (or not have) a family and children, sexuality, hairstyle... If you can dream it, it relates to personal concept of self.

From first breath, certain details are decided for you. Sexuality is innate, religion is chosen at birth, certain physical characteristics you are born with (eye color, nose shape, height potential) and others aren't truly your own for many years to come (hairstyle, etc.).

The genetic mandate of quest for self hits hard around thirteen, when you're driven to "discover yourself" and rebel against the original plan set out for you by your caretakers. It's my personal belief that quest for self never truly ends, we're constantly reinventing ourselves in a better and more fitting image of what we believe is right, moral, correct, etc.

Now, how does this quest for self relate to submission? I believe that submission is both a choice and a necessity. I would absolutely agree that there are people who live this lifestyle (albeit for a short time generally) because it looks intriguing, is trendy, etc. They have no built in need to submit. Othes, and I dare say most, submissives submit because it's in their blood, their genetic makeup. His or her very DNA is screaming out this unwritten code, sometimes earlier than he or she can even hear or understand it. You either have this code, or you don't. It's not something you can fake or force (at least not for any extended period of time). The degrees vary, but the initial feelings and driving force is the same. Need to submit, need to surrender.

The question then becomes this: if life is a constant quest for self, how then can a person fully submit to someone else knowing things may change again tomorrow? The answer to this is simple. When done correctly, submission is key to calming your quest for self. Submission, at least for me, allows time out from the daily grind. It gives me time to switch into an alternate reality, to let down my guard and to take a peek at myself from the outside. Many of my problems have been solved in subspace, as it's a clear channel directly from your conscious to your subconscious mind.

Life is all about decisions, balancing the rational decisions that inhibit the negative, self-destructive innate qualities with positive, self-actualizing qualities. It's about taking that quest for self seriously, truly understanding yourself and your need for anything (religion, submission, choices you make on a day to day basis). Submission is a wonderful gift, an almost fool-proof way to search your soul (subspace reminds me a lot of the way I feel while meditating) and discover your core elements. I thank my lucky stars every day to be submissive. Who says we're weak?

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