03 July 2004

Considering ecstasy

"Paths to ecstasy" is an excellent topic concept.
I used to think that I'd get there by being the perfect wife and mother, living this culturally- approved life.

Now i'm not so sure i'll ever reach that place we've been told about because i'm pretty sure that myth is not applicable to my life. ( I hate all that PC jive where we then say, but it might happen for others. But it *might*.) I'm living ecstasy now. I'm not waiting for nirvana or enlightenment any more.

I don't know if there's a heaven per se. I'm curious tho. But I do know i reach heaven nearly every time He puts his big strong hands into my back and pushes into me. Maybe He's pushing me into heaven with each thrust.

I never thought i'd EVER EVER EVER be this happy. Ecstasy is the byproduct of what we are doing; what we are for each other.

I realized several years ago that this man and i had something that could NEVER be wrong, no matter how "sinful" it appeared, no matter how many people were offended by us. We both left a wake of people in our rush to each other. A husband, a boyfriend (long story, i'm a predator, sorry) girlfriends, whole lives in separate towns. We were told the wreckage was so wrong, and we didn't mean to, but couldn't help it.

Nothing in my life prepared me for crashing into this other half of my sky. Nothing i ever did or read or hoped for could have prepared me.

so what is curious to me is... what makes you all so very happy, what is your ectasy trip? sexually is fine, but if sushi does it for you, or sewing Renaissance era costumes is your bag, that's what i want to know about too.

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01 July 2004

flying hi on 3 Cosmos and drunk on God

I confess that i have sinned against you in thought, word and deed
in what i have done and left un done
i have not loved you with my whole heart
and have not loved my neighbor as myself
I am truely sorry and humbly repent
for the sake of your son Jesus
have mercy on us and forgive us
that we may delight in your will and walk in your ways
to the glory of your name
for ever and ever amen

I wish id written that
not just now, but like in the BOOK

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An "alternative" take on faith and sex.

First of all, let me say I'm flattered to be asked to post here. I'm M. If you want to know more about me, just ask. That said...

I'm blown away by the posts on sex and religion thus far. It's intriguing to me to see the various ways that faith inserts itself (no pun intended) into our sex lives. The way it can wrap itself around every facet of human existence continues to shock and amaze me.

When I was twelve, I was asked to leave the Apostolic church I had been going to since birth. Always the sensitive and caring child (and being a Libran), I easily picked up on inequality in any guise and felt the need all the way down to my bones to fight for the underdog. For those of you who know nothing about the apostolic faith, it's a small community unto itself that is based in pretty extreme Christianity. Very much like being Amish with electricity. I was bothered the most by the complete lack of gender equality. Women had to sit on opposite sides of the pews, cook and clean for the men, eat last, etc.

Finally, when I was twelve, I had enough. I approached the preacher and let him have it. And I never looked back.

My mother, thank goodness, allowed me to pick my own path. Her only disclaimer was that I believe in something. A life without belief, she always said, was a life not worth living. I landed in Paganism and have been a practicing Witch ever since.

Being Pagan has allowed me to circumvent the majority of religious/sexual hang-ups I may have had, should I have come to adulthood in that church. I have no qualms about expressing myself, both sexually and otherwise. Paganism is all about love, pleasure, the pursuit of happiness and individuality. I answer to no one but myself, I live for no one other than myself.

I've found that, however, a large percentage of the Pagan population is heavily into BDSM. I believe that, because we're allowed to be so free, we're also allowing ourselves the freedom to choose to be enslaved. In looking back, I've taken the parts of my religious upbringing that disturbed me the most and taken them into myself. I've changed them, made them my own and gained a larger control over a part of my life that was out of control.

On a related note, I've heard a few stories from submissives who were scared by their first foray into subspace. Since I've been practicing meditation and Yoga for the better part of 10 years now, I found that sinking into subspace was much like slipping into a warm bath (to steal a line from P.). It was comfortable, warm and delicious. I relished feeling out of control and, yet, knew at any moment I could bring myself out of the submissive trance I was in and back into "reality."

Hopefully that gives you some view of sex and religion from an alternative point of view. I'm already looked at as a member of a bastard child religion (although I consider it more of a spirituality), why not go even further out there and admit I like to be tied up and raped? ;)

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That Whole 'Faith' Thing...

Religion has always been a more difficult subject for me to discuss than sex. That shouldn't be a shocker.

I was raised in a non-practicing Catholic household, and taught when I was younger that I had the unique choice of deciding whether it was for me or not.

My father once told me the story of how he had joined a Seminary, planning on becoming a man of religion. But he failed the "Bible" course. Yes, that's right, he failed the "Bible" course. He said the instructor told him he questioned too much.

My mother's side of the family was very much like my own in that they were lenient and open about a person making his or her own choices. My father's side of the family, however, was fairly staunch Catholics who attended every Sunday. If you did not go to church and worship Him, then you were going to Hell.

I can remember in my early teens being forced to go to church with my Grandmother from my father's side. I remember hating every moment. They stood up, they sang. They sat down, they sang. They stood up, they prayed. They sat down, they prayed. It was like a scripted little mass-acting school, and I'd not even been given the first draft. It was one of the only times I can actually remember being fully horrified and feeling terrible about my lack of knowledge in that area.

Still, I considered myself Catholic for quite a while, until I was in my very early twenties. It was The Thing To Do. One of the only reasons I stayed that way was for acceptance by my friends. I saw a lot of hypocritical Christians; sinners in my eyes who did bad things all week and went to church on Sunday to be absolved of all of them. It bothered me more than I ever let on, and I absolutely hated it.

When I was married, my mother-in-law introduced me to a book on Wicca. She was dabbling and dipping into it herself. The whole concept behind the religion intrigued me so much that I went to the local library and read nearly all the books they had on the subject. When I was done with all of those books, I went out and bought some more for myself.

Of course, that made my -very- Baptist and controlling then-husband extremely angry with me. Just before we separated, he nearly dragged me to church to get saved. I left him before that could happen, though.

Wicca has been in my life since that time -- nearly four years. I am still learning about it, trying to figure out my feelings. I like the way it feels right in my gut, though, and I like the way it eases my mind at times. I've always believed Nature has had a lot more to do with the flow of things than most people. I've always thought that there is a little bit of magic in everyday things and inside of people.

I imagine if you're still with me, you're considering me some sort of flake. That's okay. ;)

Which brings me, finally (and probably thankfully), to the thought of religion directly relating to M/s.

I see Wicca as an extremely personal religion, and the connection between all living things as strong. What better way to share such a connection than the trust and devotion required in giving your will to someone else?

Sex is more of a celebrated and magical thing to me than anything else. The energies shared between two people during even the act is amazing. When Sir was flogging me, the exchange then was doubly strong ... extremely powerful and it left me in total awe. I didn't link the two as much then as I do now, but it was still something amazing and lovely.

My views on all religions are still shaky. Especially after Sir died. I can appreciate and admire those who have a solid ground of faith to stand on, though. And I can see where someone's faith can take a deep root in the connection between Master and sub.

There. I'm never writing another babbling, scary post on religion again.

And, as a side note, I hesitated in posting this at all. But I decided to in the end. I'm not sure if that's a good thing for the readers of this blog, or a bad thing. :)

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running for work/ thinking of you

I wanted to say that this relationship I have with The One (the One i serve, not the One Big Scary-Guy God that seems to pervade human existence) is very religious. And I feel quite fortunate to have had what i feel are many religious experiences in my life.
My mother is very spiritual and had been a student of Zen for years and years before i was even born, so i was always around that calm, secure persence of one who knows she's not alone. Even when she's physically very alone. I went to a very wonderful Catholic school, after a wonderful Montasorri experience, and then began a very amazing trip with psychedelics, guided by grounded individuals who were using mind drugs to expand their minds, not just to get high and weird.
I spent years in the Episcopal (Anglican) church trying to be the "straight guy" for my husband and kids and had a confrontation with the Universe every time i let go of the notions that it was all a jive put on and let God--whatever-- into my head.
So that said, i've not been separated from God for long, and this isn't a substiution for IT in my life... but its definately part of IT. This other person who does EXACTLY what i NEED, right when i need it the most....instinctively, gladly, willingly, I hesitate to say its a "Gift from God" because that's separating it from IT and it can't be separated, its whole and perfect.
I just know that we ALL have the same experiences, humanity is too bound up, we are too close for us to be separated and to expect that we'd all be different. I mean, I know we ARE different, different colors, different shapes and wants and experiences, but that core bit of us, that part that belongs to God, IT, the Universe, that part that goes back to IT when we die, and came from IT in the beginning, that part of us is all the same. I have grief, you have grief, I have elation and happiness, you have it, even stimulated by different things, we are all the same, and that's a head trip all by itself.

There's so much more, but it will have to wait, and that's very frustrating to me.
xox

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28 June 2004

Intro (Side A)

Hello. I'm Maculate Deviant (or MD or Devi, depending on who you talk to). And RG has been nice enough to let me post over here with all of the other subbies. ;)

Sure, I have enough room on my own blog to put up plenty of posts. So why over here? Because I want to keep my submissive blathering away from my p0rn, and because this blog seems to get more discussion than anything I've ever posted over on my own blog.

So. Here I am.

I've only been in one true M/s relationship. But it was lovely, and it made me feel whole for the first time in my life. I can't ever remember that feeling from any other relationship I've had. Sir was the one who let me know I was sub, and showed me how it could help me in my own life. And he did it with caring and intelligence ... and lots of nice blows with the flogger. ;)

To make a very long story short, Sir committed suicide in May. The whole experience has left me lonely, doubting, and guilty at times. And quite empty.

I've been talking to a lot of Doms lately (and a few submissives), trying to find out if I really am a sub. Most of them have no doubt that I'm sub. I think I'll have doubts until I find another Dom and see if I like it.

But finding a Dom is proving to be daunting. Everyone has a different opinion of what M/s should be, and finding someone with the same opinion is pretty hard. I'm finding that a lot of 'Doms' seem to think a sub should automatically lick their feet at the first meeting. How they've come to that conclusion is beyond me, but they have. And I'm just not wired that way.

This post is all over the place. Hope it made sense. 'Hi' to all of you other lovely folks out there!

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