03 July 2004

Considering ecstasy

"Paths to ecstasy" is an excellent topic concept.
I used to think that I'd get there by being the perfect wife and mother, living this culturally- approved life.

Now i'm not so sure i'll ever reach that place we've been told about because i'm pretty sure that myth is not applicable to my life. ( I hate all that PC jive where we then say, but it might happen for others. But it *might*.) I'm living ecstasy now. I'm not waiting for nirvana or enlightenment any more.

I don't know if there's a heaven per se. I'm curious tho. But I do know i reach heaven nearly every time He puts his big strong hands into my back and pushes into me. Maybe He's pushing me into heaven with each thrust.

I never thought i'd EVER EVER EVER be this happy. Ecstasy is the byproduct of what we are doing; what we are for each other.

I realized several years ago that this man and i had something that could NEVER be wrong, no matter how "sinful" it appeared, no matter how many people were offended by us. We both left a wake of people in our rush to each other. A husband, a boyfriend (long story, i'm a predator, sorry) girlfriends, whole lives in separate towns. We were told the wreckage was so wrong, and we didn't mean to, but couldn't help it.

Nothing in my life prepared me for crashing into this other half of my sky. Nothing i ever did or read or hoped for could have prepared me.

so what is curious to me is... what makes you all so very happy, what is your ectasy trip? sexually is fine, but if sushi does it for you, or sewing Renaissance era costumes is your bag, that's what i want to know about too.

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Making myself clear(er)

Damn, that's one fast response, RG :-)
I had a feeling I had forgotten something in my post, and you nailed it immediately. You're sharp as a razor, girl!

I guess my point is ... semiotic? What I mean is that the traditional concepts of sin and forgiveness doesn't strike any conscious chords within me. They have no meaning to me. Neither does the entire Christian structure of sin, redemption, forgiveness, absolution, etc., etc. It is a system which makes perfect sense if you have faith. That I have been brought up in a society in which morality and social restrictions to a large degree stems from a Christian tradition doesn't change that fact. That is - to me - merely historical residue. As a Dane, I also suffer from vague subconscious images of Viking strength - which doesn't mean that that I dive into a mythic Nordic mindframe every time I have to understand why I'm such an arrogant bitch.

The discourse within which I live effects me on so many levels. So, naturally, some of the inhibitions which I long to conquer stems from ideas developed through thousands of years, the majority of which were soaked in religious Mumbo Jumbo. The system in which these limits or inhibitions were generated and within which they made/make sense is not mine. And in society as a whole, that system has been transformed, it has morphed from religious beliefs based on faith and devotion into the basic moral fabric of Western life.

My inhibitions (or whatever they should be named) could, if seen through a purely religious perspective, be regarded as an awareness of sin. That perspective isn't mine, though. I feel these inhibitions as the result of a moral matrix imposed on me through life and nurture. I am oblivious and indifferent as to where they came from. Well, it is interesting from an academic perspective, but so far, there's no key to my sexual mind buried in religious texts. And I've read a few!

The Christian doctrine does not offer me relief. It holds no path to ecstacy. I do not regard my inhibitions as awareness (however subliminal) of sin, so forgiveness holds no attraction for me. My inhibitions aren't connected to a Master, a God, an "IT". They are my own, buried deep within me, and I'm sure Lord Jesus would prefer them in place. The path I'm trying to clear with the help of a Dom doesn't lead to a type of salvation accepted by any Christian doctrine that I know of.

If the obstacles in my path to ecstacy stems from Christianity (and God), what a Dom can do is not forgive me for my sins, but become an exhorcist freeing me from the historical residue of a religion I have never believed in.

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02 July 2004

The ecstatic mind

To me, a Dom is The Keyholder. He can allow me access, he holds the map and knows my path. And he can deny me that very same access. That is his power. He can manipulate me till I whimpering admit to being a slut and a filthy whore, crying from gratitude that he brought me there, liberated from inhibition and social conditioning.

This is going to be tongue in cheek, but here we go:

I believe, basically, that religion is created by human beings. Catholicism, Paganism, Zen, Spiritism, Christianity in all its variations, Islam, Judaism, Hinduism and other vast pantheons. I get completely awed by the capacity of the human mind to create such enormous, complex metaphors of the human experience. I do not have "faith" in any of these as a direct bearer of a Truth that is not - in its essence - created by the imaginative power of the human mind. I do, however, have faith in the fact that the human potential is virtually limitless. Maybe the fulfillment gained from religion comes from the usefullness of its metaphors. It's ability to create extraordinarily strong frames of mind, through which life can be granted its meaning.

When I read all these posts on religion, I came to think of our discussion on 24/7 D/s and non-sexual submission. I think this discussion, as well as the one on sex and religion, addresses our varied and subjective paths to ecstacy. Fetishism, religious experiences, sprituality, Domestic Discipline, pain ... all can be individual and quite complex paths to that special, ecstatic mind/body space we all crave so much. And I have learned a lot about my own path from these discussions!

My experience of submission differs from some described here by the specifics of my path and by the "nature" of my ecstacy. It is located in a slightly different mental space, I think. As I have said before (can't remember if it was here or on my own blog), I am not cut out for 24/7 DD relations. And I think the discussion of religion has made it clearer to me why I am not.

A Dom does not govern me and I do not serve him. He does something, which to me is even more precious. He has the power to overrule every obstacle I (with my social/cultural conditioning) find on my path to ecstatcy. In sexual submission, I am not absolved from sin, I am liberated and pushed into The Forbidden, the dripping, roaring darkness of sexual ecstacy. I am dommed into going there without guilt. Into those parts of me which I either do not allow myself to access, or which I am unable to access by myself. And I am coerced, manipulated and forced to accept and love that "elsewhere".

To me, a Dom is The Keyholder. He can allow me access, he holds the map and knows my path. And he can deny me that very same access. That is his power. He can manipulate me till I whimpering admit to being a slut and a filthy whore, crying from gratitude that he brought me there, liberated from inhibition and social conditioning.

I cannot live within a relationship, where sin consists of not obeying rules which sounds too much like the rules of religions or fathers. Religions and fathers are the creators of obstacles on my path to ecstacy. My only sin is stopping at such an obstacle. And for that I do not want forgiveness.

A Dom is not a Father. A Dom is a killer of all Fathers. He overrules any father installed in my head, any motherly advice ever given to me. In his hands I am not freed from sin, I am liberated from any notion of "sin" whatsoever. That is his power. I am not begging for forgiveness. I am begging for allowance and the removal of obstacles on my path. He removes my responsibility for going there.

It may be a matter of semiotics only? A matter of concepts not making sense to me, not resonating within me. "Sin" is not an obstacle to me. "Forgiveness" only means that I have granted a Dom the power to define what is to be forgiven. I don't think I can do that. I think I might as well join a sect if I were to give up that type of defining power. "Guilt" isn't truly an obstacle either. If it was, I would be able to overcome that by myself. My obstacles are deeply rooted psychological inhibitions towards complete surrender to lust and ecstacy. To my Darkness. I cannot beat those alone. I need pressure, manipulation, coercion and a Dom who gets more and more aroused for every obstacle he makes me conquer.

Oh, Damn! This is so complex. I hope it makes some kind of sense anyhow. If not, please forgive me...


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01 July 2004

flying hi on 3 Cosmos and drunk on God

I confess that i have sinned against you in thought, word and deed
in what i have done and left un done
i have not loved you with my whole heart
and have not loved my neighbor as myself
I am truely sorry and humbly repent
for the sake of your son Jesus
have mercy on us and forgive us
that we may delight in your will and walk in your ways
to the glory of your name
for ever and ever amen

I wish id written that
not just now, but like in the BOOK

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An "alternative" take on faith and sex.

First of all, let me say I'm flattered to be asked to post here. I'm M. If you want to know more about me, just ask. That said...

I'm blown away by the posts on sex and religion thus far. It's intriguing to me to see the various ways that faith inserts itself (no pun intended) into our sex lives. The way it can wrap itself around every facet of human existence continues to shock and amaze me.

When I was twelve, I was asked to leave the Apostolic church I had been going to since birth. Always the sensitive and caring child (and being a Libran), I easily picked up on inequality in any guise and felt the need all the way down to my bones to fight for the underdog. For those of you who know nothing about the apostolic faith, it's a small community unto itself that is based in pretty extreme Christianity. Very much like being Amish with electricity. I was bothered the most by the complete lack of gender equality. Women had to sit on opposite sides of the pews, cook and clean for the men, eat last, etc.

Finally, when I was twelve, I had enough. I approached the preacher and let him have it. And I never looked back.

My mother, thank goodness, allowed me to pick my own path. Her only disclaimer was that I believe in something. A life without belief, she always said, was a life not worth living. I landed in Paganism and have been a practicing Witch ever since.

Being Pagan has allowed me to circumvent the majority of religious/sexual hang-ups I may have had, should I have come to adulthood in that church. I have no qualms about expressing myself, both sexually and otherwise. Paganism is all about love, pleasure, the pursuit of happiness and individuality. I answer to no one but myself, I live for no one other than myself.

I've found that, however, a large percentage of the Pagan population is heavily into BDSM. I believe that, because we're allowed to be so free, we're also allowing ourselves the freedom to choose to be enslaved. In looking back, I've taken the parts of my religious upbringing that disturbed me the most and taken them into myself. I've changed them, made them my own and gained a larger control over a part of my life that was out of control.

On a related note, I've heard a few stories from submissives who were scared by their first foray into subspace. Since I've been practicing meditation and Yoga for the better part of 10 years now, I found that sinking into subspace was much like slipping into a warm bath (to steal a line from P.). It was comfortable, warm and delicious. I relished feeling out of control and, yet, knew at any moment I could bring myself out of the submissive trance I was in and back into "reality."

Hopefully that gives you some view of sex and religion from an alternative point of view. I'm already looked at as a member of a bastard child religion (although I consider it more of a spirituality), why not go even further out there and admit I like to be tied up and raped? ;)

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That Whole 'Faith' Thing...

Religion has always been a more difficult subject for me to discuss than sex. That shouldn't be a shocker.

I was raised in a non-practicing Catholic household, and taught when I was younger that I had the unique choice of deciding whether it was for me or not.

My father once told me the story of how he had joined a Seminary, planning on becoming a man of religion. But he failed the "Bible" course. Yes, that's right, he failed the "Bible" course. He said the instructor told him he questioned too much.

My mother's side of the family was very much like my own in that they were lenient and open about a person making his or her own choices. My father's side of the family, however, was fairly staunch Catholics who attended every Sunday. If you did not go to church and worship Him, then you were going to Hell.

I can remember in my early teens being forced to go to church with my Grandmother from my father's side. I remember hating every moment. They stood up, they sang. They sat down, they sang. They stood up, they prayed. They sat down, they prayed. It was like a scripted little mass-acting school, and I'd not even been given the first draft. It was one of the only times I can actually remember being fully horrified and feeling terrible about my lack of knowledge in that area.

Still, I considered myself Catholic for quite a while, until I was in my very early twenties. It was The Thing To Do. One of the only reasons I stayed that way was for acceptance by my friends. I saw a lot of hypocritical Christians; sinners in my eyes who did bad things all week and went to church on Sunday to be absolved of all of them. It bothered me more than I ever let on, and I absolutely hated it.

When I was married, my mother-in-law introduced me to a book on Wicca. She was dabbling and dipping into it herself. The whole concept behind the religion intrigued me so much that I went to the local library and read nearly all the books they had on the subject. When I was done with all of those books, I went out and bought some more for myself.

Of course, that made my -very- Baptist and controlling then-husband extremely angry with me. Just before we separated, he nearly dragged me to church to get saved. I left him before that could happen, though.

Wicca has been in my life since that time -- nearly four years. I am still learning about it, trying to figure out my feelings. I like the way it feels right in my gut, though, and I like the way it eases my mind at times. I've always believed Nature has had a lot more to do with the flow of things than most people. I've always thought that there is a little bit of magic in everyday things and inside of people.

I imagine if you're still with me, you're considering me some sort of flake. That's okay. ;)

Which brings me, finally (and probably thankfully), to the thought of religion directly relating to M/s.

I see Wicca as an extremely personal religion, and the connection between all living things as strong. What better way to share such a connection than the trust and devotion required in giving your will to someone else?

Sex is more of a celebrated and magical thing to me than anything else. The energies shared between two people during even the act is amazing. When Sir was flogging me, the exchange then was doubly strong ... extremely powerful and it left me in total awe. I didn't link the two as much then as I do now, but it was still something amazing and lovely.

My views on all religions are still shaky. Especially after Sir died. I can appreciate and admire those who have a solid ground of faith to stand on, though. And I can see where someone's faith can take a deep root in the connection between Master and sub.

There. I'm never writing another babbling, scary post on religion again.

And, as a side note, I hesitated in posting this at all. But I decided to in the end. I'm not sure if that's a good thing for the readers of this blog, or a bad thing. :)

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why Catholics make the best submissives

"Lord, Jesus Christ, I approach your banquet table in fear and trembling... I am defiled by many sins in body and soul... I seek your protection, I look for your healing. I cannot bear your judgment, but I trust in your salvation. Lord, I show my wounds to you and uncover my shame before you... May [your body and blood] incite me to do the works pleasing to you and profitable to my health in body and soul."

God is the Cosmic Dom who lays down rules. We obey God because we need him. We are born naturally sorrowful, and it is only by his word and his grace that we find personal fulfillment. He is infallible. It is only in his perfection that we can trust. He knows what is good for us. We obey because it is only right. God knows us intimately and loves us unconditionally; he protects us because we are his and he takes care of those that are his. The least we can do is serve him in return. However, we are never FORCED to obey him-- we obey because we love him, and love is service. We have all the free will in the world to tell him to fuck off, but we don't because in our devotion, we believe he is worth this all. He who forces us the least has the most claim on us.

This has always sounded an awful lot like D/s to me. Both stories tell of a much-awaited escape from earthly pleasures and into a place of sheer bliss. They both involve a sinner/submissive and a forgiver/Dominant, who aside from having created us also guides us PERFECTLY so that we might find ourselves. This god works in mysterious ways, often causing us pain and sorrow precisely to be free of both. ("You ask us to express our thanks by self-denial. We are to master our sinfulness and conquer our pride." "You give us strength to purify our hearts, to control our desires, and so to serve you in freedom.") We are made comfortable by being drawn a box and being promised that as long as we fall within that box, we are completely and utterly free. We are taught to question (three ways by which we can know god: light of reason, light of faith, and divine revelation), but to also accept that reason is limited and faith takes over where it ends. In the end, we believe because it is who we are. We cannot fight against our nature.

Neither D/s nor Catholicism ever tries to hide the fact that it is a two-way relationship. The Dom/God gives: he grapples with much of real life and sin so that we do not have to, and provides safety and protection. He takes care of us and helps us to do what is good for us. In return, we, the submissives/believers, give him our whole hearts, minds, souls, and bodies to do with as he wishes. We give him loving service, total submission, and an unbelievably unshakable loyalty.

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running for work/ thinking of you

I wanted to say that this relationship I have with The One (the One i serve, not the One Big Scary-Guy God that seems to pervade human existence) is very religious. And I feel quite fortunate to have had what i feel are many religious experiences in my life.
My mother is very spiritual and had been a student of Zen for years and years before i was even born, so i was always around that calm, secure persence of one who knows she's not alone. Even when she's physically very alone. I went to a very wonderful Catholic school, after a wonderful Montasorri experience, and then began a very amazing trip with psychedelics, guided by grounded individuals who were using mind drugs to expand their minds, not just to get high and weird.
I spent years in the Episcopal (Anglican) church trying to be the "straight guy" for my husband and kids and had a confrontation with the Universe every time i let go of the notions that it was all a jive put on and let God--whatever-- into my head.
So that said, i've not been separated from God for long, and this isn't a substiution for IT in my life... but its definately part of IT. This other person who does EXACTLY what i NEED, right when i need it the most....instinctively, gladly, willingly, I hesitate to say its a "Gift from God" because that's separating it from IT and it can't be separated, its whole and perfect.
I just know that we ALL have the same experiences, humanity is too bound up, we are too close for us to be separated and to expect that we'd all be different. I mean, I know we ARE different, different colors, different shapes and wants and experiences, but that core bit of us, that part that belongs to God, IT, the Universe, that part that goes back to IT when we die, and came from IT in the beginning, that part of us is all the same. I have grief, you have grief, I have elation and happiness, you have it, even stimulated by different things, we are all the same, and that's a head trip all by itself.

There's so much more, but it will have to wait, and that's very frustrating to me.

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28 June 2004

Intro (Side A)

Hello. I'm Maculate Deviant (or MD or Devi, depending on who you talk to). And RG has been nice enough to let me post over here with all of the other subbies. ;)

Sure, I have enough room on my own blog to put up plenty of posts. So why over here? Because I want to keep my submissive blathering away from my p0rn, and because this blog seems to get more discussion than anything I've ever posted over on my own blog.

So. Here I am.

I've only been in one true M/s relationship. But it was lovely, and it made me feel whole for the first time in my life. I can't ever remember that feeling from any other relationship I've had. Sir was the one who let me know I was sub, and showed me how it could help me in my own life. And he did it with caring and intelligence ... and lots of nice blows with the flogger. ;)

To make a very long story short, Sir committed suicide in May. The whole experience has left me lonely, doubting, and guilty at times. And quite empty.

I've been talking to a lot of Doms lately (and a few submissives), trying to find out if I really am a sub. Most of them have no doubt that I'm sub. I think I'll have doubts until I find another Dom and see if I like it.

But finding a Dom is proving to be daunting. Everyone has a different opinion of what M/s should be, and finding someone with the same opinion is pretty hard. I'm finding that a lot of 'Doms' seem to think a sub should automatically lick their feet at the first meeting. How they've come to that conclusion is beyond me, but they have. And I'm just not wired that way.

This post is all over the place. Hope it made sense. 'Hi' to all of you other lovely folks out there!

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