12 June 2004

When did you realize it wasn't just a game?

MB (the woman who owns me) and I were chatting over some sushi when, out of nowhere, this question pops out of my mouth. She knew exactly what I was talking about. She wasn't sure exactly when, but it was much earlier for her than it was for me.

I remember vague fantasies when I was 19. I remember always being sexually drawn to strong people. I always thought being tied up was the best sex game. For a long time, I thought it was merely something that turned me on. There were plenty of other things that turned me on, so there was no need to pursue something I couldn't even name.

There were hints that I should have picked up on, including a spectacularly bad acid trip with a woman who would have gladly dominated me if I had known how to tell her what I craved. Instead the inexpressibility of my desire took me to a very bad place.

I finally figured it out in my mid 20s. I saw a professional domme and my entire life changed. For weeks afterwards, I was a different person. I was more focused at work. I got along better with friends and family. When the need came back, I knew what it was and how to deal with it.

When did you realize that your submission was more than a game? How did you figure it out?

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07 June 2004

amazonia on Top

All this intellectual discussion, while being absolutely fascinating, has me totally overwhelmed, so I'll just talk about myself, its the simplest thing I can think of. I've been out of the academic arena for 15 years, so even tho we are discussing sex and S&M the heavy layers are hard for me to wade thru, appologies. The kids, the job, the world... you know?

So about me...
I was married to a doctor for a long time, he was bottom. And he was so overbearing and demanding, he made me Top. The backass way. I think its called Topping from the bottom, and all agree, its a bad idea. We've been divorced a while now and he's with this really brassy dominate woman who's making him delightfully happy, and I'm so grateful. I'm professinally very outgoing, I have a "large presence", so my not being Top has always been an enigma. Doc couldn't accept it, he "knows I'm a strong woman." So he tried to make me be his Top.

Since that was forced Topping, and I didn't enjoy it, it was never discussed or planned, I'm not going to address it... I'm here to talk about Wolfgang.

Wolfgang was my one big hurrah as pro Domme. We met in NYC, I flew from Texas and he from Cologne, Germany and had spent months negotiating...I'd done alot of research. I was dealing with coming out (to myself even) as a very submissive woman. I ended up using the event with Wolfgang to determin whether or not I was really submissive. The whole thing, from selecting my clothes and "image" to the implements of his torture was enforcing for me that I'm not the Top, I'm the bottom, in so many ways.

I selected a mahogany hairbrush to spank him with. And while I was using it on him, I was constantly afraid I was hurting him. Of course, I wasn't, he was SO digging it, the cum leaking out of him was the best sign of that, but even that, knowing that I was totally turning him on wasn't making me feel good. I was happy to be making him feel good, but it wasn't putting me in a good place, personally, sexually. Also his reaction, was non reaction, he didn't squeal or jump or fight, I've always liked that part of the corporal punishment scene, it completes the stroke for me.

I tied Wg with silk scarves, ankle and wrist to the hotel bed frame and then hog style afterwards. I selected these because they'd be easier to travel with and for the feel of them. Silk is very strong. But I was careful not to cut off his circulation or harm him permanently. I used my belt about his neck to tug him around and secure him and let him feel the leather.

Restraints have always aroused me. I love the symbolism of it, ownership, like a prize dog. Identity, pride. I kept Wolfgang in his quasi collar the whole time, carefully telling him the meaning of it to me. I led him around like a dog and talked to him the way I train one of my own labs. Firm but consistent, fair but stern. Demanding. Loving.

I've always been a huge fan of self control. I control myself rather famously, if I do say so myself. And I controlled Wg that time too. I am a big girl. Six feet in heels and strong. Surely he could have overpowered me, if he'd been inclined, but he wasn't, and I worked out constantly and he sat at a desk all day, so I was more of a match for him. We did tussle a bit, but he was easy enough to subdue. I kept him tied and whipped after that, so he was less inclined to fight.

The whole thing was a watermark in his life, no bragging here, he TOLD me this. He asked me to come to Germany and marry him, I declined, politely. Watermark for him, but it just left me tired. Seriously, instead of seeing friends in NYC the next day, I slept most of the day and missed the show I had tickets for. I was so worn out.

I did not orgasm from the event, not once. I did like him begging to lick and suck on my feet. I did not let him. But had his reaction been different to the beating, I think I might have enjoyed it more, if he'd screamed or struggled......in effect done what *I* do. I know that's not fair, but its honest.

I gave that boy a beating that would have made every man in Texas cry like a baby and he just lay there like a big old German sausage. I was totally disgusted. I decided there that a crop or cane would be necessary if i ever decided to Top again. Hard to carry on the airplane, but very very necessary.

At this point, I'd like to add that when I'm done being the pet (our code for what we do), I'm energized and I feel really great. Not tired or done.....I usually feel like I could do it some more, in fact. I never want to be the Top again. And once I admitted this to myself, finding the other half of my sky was as simple as walking into a party room and bumping into him. I think it was Zen surrender, of a fashion. I had to totally surrender what I thought I was supposed to be for alot of other people and just be me. But I am happy to have given Wolfgang a big memory. I spoke to him the other night and he said how he'd been thinking of me.....and that was nice, but the real me is somebody he's never known and probably wouldn't know what to do with anyway.

So that's my little Domme dissertation. Such as it is :)

btw, I LOVE for him to cum on my face, tummy, chest, everywhere, its not degrading for me at all, not with him. Its fabulous, a MAJOR turn on. I want it everywhere and for him to rub it in. And so he does.

The right person for Mr. Frog is Mrs. Frog.

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re: misogyny - an explanation

Because you asked -

RG and I had a very long conversation regarding the misogyny issue, and I think the conflict of opinions was due largely to the fact that we defined a lot of things differently. For that reason I'm including my own definitions.

Misogyny - hatred of women (I actually looked this one up. It's HATRED, not prejudice, not disrespect, not dislike.)
Hatred - intense dislike; actively wishing the object harm/displeasure
* Four elements in the range of emotion: dislike, hate, like, and love
* Indifference is indepedent of all four.

The scenario: A hates B. A cums on B's face in an effort to cause her displeasure. B gets off on it. A observes B's arousal. A cums on B's face again.

The question: Was the second act one of misogyny?
My answer: It depends on A's intentions before he came the second time.

The possibilities: (How did A react to B's getting aroused by the initial act of misogyny?)
1. A sees B's obvious pleasure and cums on her face for the purpose of giving her pleasure again. -- NOT misogyny. I don't think this one needs to be explained.
2. A simply could not care less about whether or not B got aroused. It doesn't matter - it's his pleasure that does. -- NOT misogyny. This is indifference, not hatred.
3. A doesn't like that B got aroused, but decides that as long as HE gets to do to this bitch what he wants, he can handle her experiencing some pleasure. -- NOT misogyny. This is dislike/disrespect, not hatred. Still wrong, but it is less in degree.
4. A is infuriated and sickened by B's response, and resolves to step up the abuse until B feels displeasure. - MISOGYNY. This is hatred.

To clarify: I don't believe that a crime is defined by the reaction of a victim to it. I believe it's the intention of the victimizer that matters. However, in a case like this where the victimizer is made aware of the victim's pleasure before committing the act in question AND where the crime involves hate, I think it's important to take into consideration the effect of the victim's reaction on the victimizer's intention.

*Head spin* Three in fifteen in the morning and I'm still up turning this over in my head... Thanks, RG. You and your sperm. ;)

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Cum and context

Thanks for bringing up yet another interesting and mind boggling subject, RG!!

I'm a link whore! I usually write "Cum in my face" or something similar in my posts in order to get as many hits from Google as possible. No, I don't, really, but I think we've all seen in our stats how popular such phrases are. Sperm seems to be a very strong symbol, which can be invested with so many meanings. I don't believe there's a fixed answer here ... it all depends on people and context.

I think that, yes, to some men, shooting their sperm in the face of a woman is a misogynist act. It is an act of degradation by smearing something in her face which the man himself defines as dirty. But is it an act of degradation, if the woman loves it and has no idea of the meanings he attaches to it?

To other men, sperm seems to have a strong visual effect as a symbol of intense arousal and climax. And, if they like having a look at that, then shooting it into her - and losing sight of it for good - is kind of ... wasteful. A little childish, perhaps, kind of "Whhhooaaaa .. here I goooo!" That's the wholesome, healthy type shooters.

The meaning of sperm also varies when it comes to women. I think a lot of women would never allow for a man to place his load anywhere else than "in the proper place"!! Those women attach a lot of negative value to it, regardless of how the man feels about his product. Maybe that's why men find women who likes sperm particularly sexy? Because they don't regard their proud load as an abomination?

In many cases, the significance may depend on the way sperm is used and understood within the sexual act itself. It's meaning is created by the man and woman together. And there's no doubt that this meaning changes, when it is not shot into the woman, but somewhere on her instead. Here, I think the significance varies immensely, so in this, I can only draw from my own experiences. To me, getting cum in my face is - at times - a very submissive act. It is not so as a degrading act, but as a rewarding one, of sorts. Sometimes, it's a strong "Good girl"-symbol to me. I did well. At other times it's just, well, very, very arousing! The feeling, the smell, the taste of sperm is deeply erotic, and I enjoy feeling it spurted into me, or anywhere else. I can do this because he does not regard it as dirty in any way. On the contrary. And that way it leaves the arena of misogyny and becomes a "clean" symbol for us to play with. It is a good sex toy!

Maybe one can tell "the misogynist asshole" from "the pleasure shooter" by following this general rule of conduct: If he is disgusted with the idea of touching it himself, he sure ain't gonna shoot any at you either! If he doesn't even wanna lick your pussy if there's any trace of his own sperm there, then what exactly does it signify to him, when he wants you to lick it off your face??

And PS: Piss is different!!!!!

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06 June 2004

Yin, yang, and more penis envy

For me, it's all about control.

I've known for a while that I'm strangely preoccupied with the two most powerful experiences in the world. One is giving birth. The thought of my participation in the very act of creation holds incredibly appeal for me: the nine months of suffering and preparation, the need for mental focus, the hours of labor -- and finally, the cries of a life I introduced into the universe. It's a strictly female ability, and I love being a woman because of it. I believe women hold tremendous sway over the affairs of men by virtue of their capability to create, and I enjoy immensely having that power. (To the men here: neener neener neener!)

The other experience, however, is one that belongs exclusively to men: sex. The overwhelming control they are granted by the simple fact that they were born with cocks. As Roger eloquently articulated in the comments to the previous post, the one with the cock gets to dictate almost everything: physical responses, pleasure, speed, urgency, intensity. Although a woman is involved, she is largely passive. I don't mean that all women lie limply in the grasp of the thrusting male-- I mean that her role is much more transitive. When it comes to actual intercourse, she is receptacle and receiver, and not much more. The control is his, all his, and I want it.

Hence my fascination with owning a cock.

For me, the physical aspect of experiencing penetration from the other side doesn't come into the picture at all. I think the roles of a man and a woman during sex determine, to a certain degree, the gender roles outside of it (Yes, RG, I realize I turn everything into metaphors ;) ). I love being creator, but I wonder what it would be like to extend that control past creation.

I think a woman with a cock could rule the world.

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