25 June 2004

what makes a Catholic

A romantic relationship, while still complicated, comes complete with a universal vocabulary: love. In love. Infatuation. Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Couple. Exclusivity. There are certain behaviors that emerge as part of the package, and certain expectations understandably come into play. The demise of a romantic relationship isn't pretty, but dealing with it is much simpler.

D/s adds another dimension to a relationship. How do you call it 'love'? I loved her, but it wasn't a romantic love. It was devotion. It was a certain earned respect I gave her willingly in the knowledge that she would take care of me. And she did, for a while. I belonged to her without being owned completely, admired her without having to know all that she was. No pressure, no expectations. Just safety. She wasn't perfect, but she was pretty damn close. Closer still than anyone I've ever met.

Just like a mortal, she fell. She made a mistake I'm not sure I can see past. There are certain things a dominant shouldn't ever do. Though I expected it, it was a betrayal I wasn't ready for. Not from her.

And now, I am left very much lost. When you've belonged - when you've been defended and protected and cherished the way I was, it's hard to even briefly consider the thought of being anything but. It's next to impossible to understand the way I was before... painfully free. The loyalty that's been bred into me works against me these days: my body refuses to respond to anyone but her. It even dares to disobey me.

Yes, I know it won't last forever. I'm aware I'll get over this, and move on, and eventually reestablish as MINE those parts of me that belonged to her. Right now, though... right now I don't know how to handle the need. Right now, it hurts.

Do me a favor. Next time, remind me to save emotional submission only for gods.

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