25 July 2004

Don't leave fingerprints on my soul

Does submissiveness really boil down to the intelligent mind's innocent need for discipline?

That surprised me. I'd never really thought of it that way. I'd never considered the possibility that maybe it's discipline that calls some to submit. It's an alien concept because I am submissive for exactly the opposite reason.

Intelligence is chaos. It's a supersonic nano-highway of thought collisions, and it doesn't take very long before we realize the need for some discipline. Having been raised Catholic, I'm expected to have had authoritarian parents-- the kind that kept their daughters in long-sleeved shirts and floor-length skirts and watched ominously from the door over their every interaction with the opposite sex. It wasn't like that at all. I've never had many rules or punishments (I've never even been grounded), and I've never had much guidance either. I was raised to discipline myself. It's personal responsibility, or self-governance, or self-control.

Discipline isn't something I seek. In fact, I take it as a personal insult when anyone tries to give it to me, especially if I've clearly communicated to them that this is what is off bounds. I punish myself far more harshly and hold myself up to much higher standards than anyone ever could. I am careful to reward myself when I decide (through much analysis) that I deserve it. Discipline is character-forming, and in my opinion it is too intimate a responsibility and privilege to hand to anyone else. It's my duty to myself.

What I seek, and where my submission comes from, is chaos. I've rigged so many intellectual alarms to sound off at the slightest vibration that I've forgotten what it's like to simply think, or feel, or love, or hate, or write, without suppressing myself with "should" and "should not". My submission is the child of my desire to go back to where I was, to remember what I was like before my mind learned to temper intelligence with caution.

My submissiveness isn't a need for discipline; it is the need for a deconstruction of it-- a systematized reintroduction to true chaos.

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